Secret Books of Secrets

Hello person that is reading this, I'm Taylor Travis, the owner of this booklet. And if I'm not mistaken, you shouldn't be reading this. This book alone holds and will hold more: events, emotions, and thoughts during my life time. Some would call this a journal, but no, this is much more...it is parts of my life, the way I feel, and the way I see things. So if this, what you are reading, has gotten you more excited to read this booklet, I must warn you! Curiosity killed the cat, and curiosity is one of man's many strengths and many weaknesses. I must further warn you that not everything in this book you will like, whether it's profanity, rude comments, racist issues, gossip, thoughts, ideas, and the way I spell things, or simply the way I can't spell. So if you aren't comfortable with these conditions, stop reading. Even if you are comfortable, I still think you should stop. This is my way of "expressing" MY "feelings." Keyword -MY-, not yourself, so back-off. Well if you are still reading, I guess I can't stop you. But if I find you, there will be Hell to pay. Or I could just be right behind you at this very moment, watching you read this very sentence. Anywho, like I said, my name is, Taylor Travis. At this moment I'm 15 years old. I live in Cabot, Arkansas and I play football(fullback). The date is December the 6th 2006. Now starting out, I'm not sure whether to keep going on current events, and give you feedback as I go, or to catch you up from day 1. Or should this be just random notes? I can't decide right now.

I've decided; I'll give feedback as I go.

Do you ever get the feeling you are missing something? You just can't place it? It's there but you have No idea what it is. But this single thing, whatever it is, is making you sometimes depressed. You don't want to do anything, don't want to talk, play anything, it's just there...an empty feeling, I can't explain it but right now as I'm writing this it's there. Maybe it's more than one thing, maybe it's a lot of things. Maybe it's all of your emotions, that of: anger, sadness, and pain that you feel but do not express. Maybe it's the time that all of your bottled-emotions come out all at once. To be honesty that is probably what it is. But the feeling is so over-whelming, you can't think straight, you want to cry it all out. Again you don't know what it is, you can't put your finger on it. It's confusing, all you feel is lost in your own head, lost of everything. I admit that I can't "express my feelings", but do you know the truth? I really don't know my own feelings. Except...blank. When I'm put on the spot with a question about how I feel or how I stand on a certain subject (the question is usually asked by my step-dad, C.B.) I come to a blank. He gets sort of mad at me, that I don't say anything, that I just "stare into space." I know he is waiting for an answer...but what do I say? At this point I don't know what to do...again I'm at a blank. I might not be very good at saying how I feel, but I listen intensively. CB says when I don't answer, that I am scared to say how I feel, but he just doesn't get it...I don't know what to say! I don't know how I feel, how can I "express myself" if I don't know where I stand? This doesn't mean to say that I have no clue on anything, it's just that I go blank. He ask questions I would have thought about. I am confused on Many things, even so much that I can't explain things right, I sometimes even contradict myself. You as the reader are either thinking, "Wow, this guy is a nut-case", or "Aww, poor baby" or "get this guy a shrink..." Well --- What can I say? So many things or situations, countless instances that build up to this "episodes" of depression - Just mixed emotions bottled up. I just forget about them - but they don't forget about me. So much little crap I've taken and did nothing about and then - BOOM! The reason I can't handle them, or the reason "I" can't handle them is that...I don't know what they are or where they come from. I know I've already said that, but you don't understand, that's how I feel. I seem to have to say something multiple times for it to have the whole effect. But I will tell you one thing..me just writing this, like this, I feel a little better. But before I started writing, my mom said that I was making her "feel guilty" about me just moping around. Man if she only read this...I half  want her to not read this, and half do(want to see how she reacts) But once again...the feeling. You feel bored, you're hot, want to cry it out, don't want to talk, you feel...dead. Emotionless, except all that is left is --- Numbness. Confusion. And a feeling that you want to be mad at something, but "what?" is the question. You want to think of why you feel this way, but the feeling takes you over your conscience. All that there is, "---------------------------------------------"

You know --- sometimes I feel like I wouldn't care if I died or not right now. I'm not saying I'll commit suicide, but if, -If- there is a needed sacrifice, I'll take it. What is there to lose? I go to a better place, a place I don't have to live in a pathetic world like this, a world that is slowly, but surely turning to pure chaos. There IS a God, no doubt...it is Jesus Christ. My Lord and Savior. I'm not a "religious person". I don't go to church often, but I know of God. I believe in God. He knew what the world was going to change into, he planned it this way, but he planned it this way to show us a great lesson. It is one of the unanswered questions I am afraid. But it will be the greatest lesson ever known. The only reason the world will be turned into a living Hell, is because WE made it that way. We screwed it up in the beginning. We pay the price at the end. We were going to have a perfect world, but he gave us...lesser beings than He, the power of choice. And we had to FUCK it up! We buried our own graves for when the Devil comes. But God gave us another option, Heaven. A place of the perfect world, and only the worthy will go! I'm not saying that I am worthy, but I hope that I am. The reason we are here...I believe it is a test, a test of whether or not you are worthy to be in the eyes of God in heaven. If you are worthy enough for a perfect place. But again God knew that we weren't perfect; so he let Jesus die for our sins. So that we are free of them, and that we will be worthy. All that is not worthy will have to face the wraith of God. The wraith to stay on this earth with Satin leading the way. Oh what a Hell! God's wraith is the Devil in essence. It's the fact that you are not with the one who created you. And not being with your Savior. Your Lord! Your God! I have nothing more to say, no more than that you ~still~ shouldn't be reading this. (Well...I guess it is okay.) Muwhahahahaha! God's speed, and catch ya laterz.

Here is a word of insight - I will only write in this when I have something to say. I hate people who talk to be talking, just for attention. And most of the time I'll write in this when I am feeling "down." This is one of those moments no doubt. I just got finished watching a movie with my mom that she borrowed from a friend. It was a chick flick, she made everyone watch it. What I was mad about was that I had to do the dishes (by my calculations I've done the dishes 3x in a row, I haven't seen anyone else do them. But the others were having to do laundry, so it came down to me). I know it is stupid. Or some people would think (mom and cb) that it was a real crappy way to think. That it wasn't a big deal - well honestly it wasn't. It just started the chain reaction. Usually the person who does the dishes(Trust me I have a point! Keep reading) has to clean off the counters after-hand. But Mr. Helper-Helpington (Garrett)...to me trying his best to get attention by cleaning everything did this for me. I'm not complaining that he did my work. But he is a doormat sometimes, a suck-up. And it Really gets on my nerves. Once again, I'm probably wrong, someone would say...But to me, that is what it looked like to me. After that, I started cleaning(mom was getting onto people about not helping around the house), CB was cooking soup(Very tasty). After everything was clean in the kitchen, and the living room...mom told everyone to grab blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags. We were to watch a movie!(sarcasm) Which I didn't want to, because all the while of cleaning, washing dishes, and all of that. I was just wanting to go play some WoW. Once again, I can just hear CB say, "You lazy piece of shit, you can't find it within yourself to get off that damn game for one second" (or something to that effect, he would probably say it more eloquently to make me feel even worse). But in truth, I see myself as lazy. But also that I have a mysterious, unknown side as well. I just want to play the game...I'm feeling lazy after working my ass off, I'm tired, and sort of in my "depression mode." It's just not a good combination. I didn't get an attitude though, I was just like "Blah". The 1st few minutes into the movie I was just like, "Omg please turn it off. I really didn't want to watch it. But the thing I hate the most is that I ended up liking it...I wanted so bad to have it just because I felt bad. I wanted to get back at my mom in my head ---the fact that I didn't like the family "activity". But I did like it. I feel stupid now that I look back, I love my mom and CB, I truly do! --- But sometimes...I feel....I feel like I don't want any attention. Like I'm not "sociable", but somewhere in there...I want ALL the attention in the world. But I hold back from getting it. Because again, I hate people who get and want attention for the sake of getting attention. I do good things...but I don't get praised about them, I've done so many good things, you know I am a "good boy", or a good "kid". So when I do, do good...no one cares. Or they don't really show any acknowledgment of it. But when I do something bad...when Taylor does bad, I get, "Taylor...I am really disappointed in you." It gets on my nerves. All I want is a little praise. You know? Like 5 minutes of quality time, with just all the reminders of the good things I've done. Mainly I want it to be my mom. I just want to be hugged... Just held seriously for once. And told that I am loved. That's all. Maybe me writing this book, was/is my way of getting attention. Maybe I'm writing for all of the attention that I want (I won't lie...yes I am crying)(Not funny...notice the smears on the page?) I'm not good at expressing my feelings with verbal words. But it doesn't mean that they aren't there! But it does mean that no one will know my feelings. Is that my fault? That I don't have the balls to say how I feel? Looks that way. Sucks for me. But when I die, I want to leave something behind. THIS maybe...to get back at people. Which in truth as I'm writing and looking back, I didn't want to get people back. -Just attention- Everyone needs a little- Some encouragement. THAT'S ALL I WANT! THAT'S ALL! The thing that kills me the most, is not knowing if other feel this way. I half hope people do, and half don't. I do because I want to talk to people...and share these feelings. And part of my doesn't want them to, because I want to feel special. Being special. Attention. But I'm not special. I just want to be...........

Okay, a lot has happened since my last entry. It's been at least 3 months, I just finished reading what I've already wrote. It's pretty good, pretty good. Well I've had a few "down" moments since the last one I wrote but I was never around the booklet to write anything. So I just didn't. But let me fill in the blanks. Ok, first school is over, it is July 6th. CB and mom finally broke up. I'm not saying that is a good thing, trust me. It fucking sucks. But I haven't felt the full force of it until recently. See my mom makes divorcing threats every few weeks to CB.They would fight, verbally. CB never has ever touched my mom. CB isn't a bad guy. My mom is crazy. I'll get to CB in a minute. We(CB and mom) were trying to get a house 1 year ago, it was a double-wide trailer, a very nice house actually. But the company fucked us over. The foundation is all wrong, holes, cracks, wrong accessories, all that jazz. So after all of their fighting...mom gets the bright idea to move into a camper. Which hasn't been my first time, I've lived in a camper for 2 1/2 years before. And we move it out onto the house's land and live in it until the house gets fixed, if it ever does...We have 2 acres, a house, a camper, and an old barn that needs major fixing up - but - it's promising. So all this last week we have been moving all of our stuff to the new house, can you say, "what a blast?" My mom complains about money, a lot. Here is the thing... She is a nurse at St. Vincent's. She has been there for 17 years. She works normally 12 hour shifts, 2 days a week on the weekend. That's it. And yet...she complains about money. Well you know what I say? Work more days...Normal people work 40 hours, and here she is sitting with 24. And she calls CB a lazy piece of shit? Bullshit. I've worked with CB before, he does Vinyl siding. And I'll tell you, it is a harder job than working 2 nights as a nurse. He works 5, 8-10 hour days, all year around when there is work. When he isn't working...he is a "lazy piece of shit." She calls him a parasite. Which isn't true. CB is a good and great man. He has taught me so many things. He has opened my eyes to so many things I didn't see before.My mom thinks everyone owes her something and she doesn't owe anything. The whole situation is insane.

"Grow up!" "Be a man!" "Grow a sack!" "Be responsible!" --- RHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! God it is such bullshit! Maybe I don't want to grow up, maybe I can't grow up. Maybe I still want to be a kid, you know? "The world isn't fair." Maybe I haven't grown up because I haven't been a kid yet. Maybe...I just don't fucking know. I feel lost in the world. I feel that no one cares about me...there is no one to talk to that will understand. Even I don't understand. I'm not in control of my life. I don't have a life. Everything is so routine. No freedom! School - Football - Homework - repeat - and then the occasional verbal chewing because I did something wrong. No "congratulations" or "good jobs". None that mean anything. SO MUCH PRESSURE! Is it even there? I don't say anything because all I will get is, "STOP BEING A PUSSY!" "GROW UP TAYLOR" "TOO BAD" "WORLD ISN'T FAIR." They don't care...but I want them to. You know I am the quiet type. You know the one who bottles everything up. That I will commit suicide or go on some insane killing spree because I snapped 30 years from now. Maybe I need therapy. Maybe this IS therapy. I bottle things up and they just hit me in a wave of emotion. I'm so confused. I don't know WHO I am. I can't express myself at all. I keep to myself, I'm "shy." My head is just full of clouds most of the time. I'm zoned-out. I make good grades, but all I get is a "Woo" reaction, and that is it. An occasional, routine, "I'm proud of you." But I don't hear any sentimental love. Nothing that touches my heart. I'm confused. Is it just me who feels like this? Does everybody? I sure don't see them like this! I've got so many problems, so many little things that nag at me. I bottle it up, don't think a thing about it. Few days...I feel depressed. And lately it's been getting worse. I've cried so much these last 2 weeks. Just crying and not knowing why. The pain I feel is hidden...I feel it, but I don't know why.Whenever I'm put on the spot about something about how I feel. I go blank. . . . . . ."Well what do you think? Blank. . . . . . ."Well?". . . . . .I don't care, just Leave ME the Fuck Alone. Even though I have an opinion, I don't know it. You don;t know the feeling of yourself not knowing how you feel about something. I'm starting to repeat myself. I don't know why, I just can't seem to clear the clouds. I just want to cry...and cry...and cry. "PUSSY!", FUCK YOU! - - - - ARGGGGGGGadskfndsgbshdigskjdfnsdjsjd.

I'm losing it. Going insane and I don't know why. I feel like crap one day, and the next I'm as happy as a jay bird. But lately...the bird has been dead. I've just been depressed. I Just Don't Care anymore. I Don't Know Why. I Am Alone. Pressure, Pressure.
-SCHOOL                                      Going insane
-FOOTBALL                                 Losing it
-DRIVING                                      Lost
-GRADES                                       Alone
-BEING RESPONSIBLE              Pain
-BEING PERFECT!                      Depression

PRESSURE
STRESS
EXPECTATIONS
I DON'T CARE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I love but I can't express it. Do you know how that feels?
Knowing but not knowing how to tell, or even explain why you know or care.

Ok I've thought about it, of why I am so unhappy. It's very complex. I'll try my best to explain. In doing this, it will further help me understand myself. It's just where to begin... I have a general idea of why I am the way I am. But here goes a lot. 
-I want...no I Need attention.
-I want to be special - Hey guess what? I'm not.
-*Pause* I just want a hug. Somebody who cares about the shit I put up with.
-It wouldn't be a big deal if I'd deal with the issues when they happen. But I don't. I bottle them up, and then let them explode in my face.
-I want to let people know how I feel because I want attention because I don't feel like I get enough. I feel alone in this world.
-People have different ways of expressing themselves, some more healthier than others...Some are hot-tempered and explode on the spot. They get it all out then and there.
-Then you have people who take it out on innocent people just because they were there at the wrong time.
-Then there is me, bottling it up --> wave of emotion of all sorts --->confusion...blah blah blah, you've heard this before. All old shit...nobody cares, I'm just being "a bitch about it", and "complaining"...that I have "sand in my pussy." E t c, e t c.

Life 
You are born into a life that is always changing,
So fast sometimes that you can't keep up,
So fast that nobody takes the time to care,
"Everyone has problems, so deal with yours."
A life that expects so much,
Can "you" deal with it?
You say stop...wait up. Let me have a moment of rest.
Relentless...
Next minute you are left behind, you're weak.
You have given up, you are a quitter...
Expect so much, get so little.
The simple things in life...
So great, so plain...so perfect.
Why can't things be easy? Be sane?

Void
What do you call a hole you cannot fill?
How does it feel? To have this hole you cannot sill?
What would you do to fill this hole? Even kill?
How do you feel about this hole you cannot trace?
How about a hole that you cannot place?
A black hole fills your heart will bottled-hate.
When will it bust? When will the pressure break?
"Oh he is a quiet one..." But what they don't know,
Is that your hate is climbing with an amazing rate.
You finally break...you leave hundreds dead in your wake.
Your life is over...your life is through.
It is over, in one single, "Boom!"
 
Vent
You could...
Scream
Fight
bite
yell
cry
push
shove
pull
love
cut
listen
talk
laugh
stare
sleep
drink
or just fucking die and get it all over with.

"My favorite feeling, is the feeling of hot tears streaming down my face, and the sorrow being washed away."

I want
to love
attention
to not care
to feel alive
to cry
to scream
a hug
to talk
to have a friend
to understand
to express
revenge
simple things
people to chill the fuck out
to be special
to be cuddled
to cuddle someone else
to be worthy to someone else
to smell and feel the hair of my partner
to be left alone
to be cleared
to fill this hole
people to understand
to be free
to have fun
to just live
to not live someone else's life
to joke
to mean something to someone
to know
to have
to flirt
to have the will
peace
to feel
something worth wanting for
to wash away all of the suffering
to be heard.

Freaked out yet? All this stuff...I'm not lying. Didn't think I was this way? Didn't think this is how my life is? Well, you guessed wrong. All of this was hidden, but I didn't want it to be. Didn't think I was this "sensitive"? (Btw, I'm not gay by any means. Just wanted to clear that up, Fuckers.) Now to cry myself to sleep. Night...

I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't care...or I stopped caring when I thought no one cared about me anymore. "Oh I love you", but they didn't show it. I don't, "feel the love." I get my ass chewed off for not standing up against my mom about her being wrong and treating the boys wrong. I'm now a coward, a girl...because I bottle everything up. I'm a dog for not standing up for what I'm supposed to believe in. WOW --- doesn't that just help my self-esteem. I've gone from being a good man when I grow up to being a complete disappointment. All in about 3 seconds.
I don't have fucking motivation for anything anymore. How am I supposed to "be a man" and care about other people...when nobody cares about ME? "I love you." BULLSHIT! You sure as hell don't show it. --- What about me? I don't even know what to say anymore... All I hear, when I'm supposed to be standing up for how I feel is: 
STOP
BEING
A
PUSSY!

FUCK. YOU.
ARGG! JUST DIE!

I simply hate you.

Just care about me...

But noooo. I'm wrong, for feeling is way. I shouldn't be so selfish. You just want attention.

***CLICK!***

Duh. It's not like I am getting it anyway. If this is how being a "man" is supposed to feel...Wait. I can't feel that way, you know why?

Because apparently I'm not one.

Being a man, you are supposed to have responsibilities...but to feel that no one cares? That can't be right. I can't live like this... I'm only 16. How I'm supposed to care if no one cares for me? Now that is a "Double Standard."

*Insert the, "You are wrong speech", here. How about the, "You are selfish or pussy speech?"


I want to care, I really do. You have to understand that I do. But I need more than = Negative Support.


"Maybe if you would just change and stop being a..." What? A PUSSY? MAYBE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO EVERYONE? Is that what you were going to say again? Well I'm Fucking sorry.


You want me to end YOUR suffering? Am I just that big of a burden? Sorry that I am a waste of space and that I am an inconvenience to you.

Maybe I am a pussy...a disappointment...everything that you say that I am. Just maybe...


Maybe it's ALL my fault. Maybe if it just wasn't for me. 


Maybe if I just hadn't been a fucking """SURPRISE""".

Everything would just be better without that Taylor Lee Travis.




Dad, I love you. You are the only one whoever got the point across that I mean anything to you. And for that alone, I love you. I really and truly mean that(as a tear rolls down my cheek and a smile spreads across my face). Even though you can be an asshole sometimes. :P Jokes. I just want someone to care, a friend to talk to, and not about all of that Macho shit. To be able to cry with and Not be ashamed. Someone to open up to. Someone to listen. Someone that will talk to me.


You know, I was never good at that game, "Life."


Ever see the movie Tom and Huck? Where Tom "dies" and everyone thinks he is dead, and he gets to see his own funeral...Well I want to do that. Put up a sign that reads: "Don't cry if it isn't sincere, and if you are just here for the inheritance...just leave." I would love to see the reaction.


-Side Note- I wish I was one of those people that can read people, and to be able to call out all of there insecurities, fears, and past failures...just to be able to rub it in their face and make them feel like shit. (Catch the sarcasm?)


"Oh God, another poem."


I'm Sorry.
I'm not perfect.
I am who I want to be.
I am no one else, but I've made my mistakes.
I am only human.
I am sorry for being selfish.
I am sorry for not always being there for support.
I am sorry that I never had you to cry with.
I am sorry that I never let anything out.
I am sorry for not understanding.
I am sorry for never saying "I love you" enough...
I am sorry that I never showed you how much I really do care.
I am sorry that I couldn't take away all of the pain.
I am sorry.


Am I a fake? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Do I not stand up for what I believe in? Am I afraid of confrontation? Am I afraid to speak my mind? Am I afraid of failure because it would give another reason for people to Hate me more or to make them think I'm a failure or that it'll make me feel worse about myself? Am I quiet? Am I confused? Do I think I have to be perfect for anyone to love me? Am I perfect? Do I have faults? Why do people not just rid of me? It is soo simple, isn't it? Does anyone think anything positive of me? Do they show it? Am I even worth this pen and paper? Am I sulking because I have the right? or is it that I just feel picked on? Do I think I am rambling or does what I'm writing matter to Anyone? Do people think I'm in any pain? Do they care? Why do people when they actually realize I'm there, rely on me for anything, when they know I'm just going to Fuck things up? Or in some way be disappointed in me? Are they any feelings left for me? Can't I feel without people calling me a "pussy" or telling me to stop being such a "victim?" Am I that easy to read? Do people just think I'm a pussy/dick/asshole/inconsiderate/freak/manipulator/attention hog/girl/etc? Why is it that when I try to get some light of attention, that I get quickly labeled as a disappointment because I'm now being like my sisters, attention hogs? Why? Huh? Answer that fucking question...Can't I get some attention without being called that, or without someone telling me, "I can't believe you would stoop to that level." 

ALL I'm hearing is that you only "love" me when I'm not around or being invisible, and not talking.


Once again, I've read what I have written and I want to make things clear. I write what I write to not cause more problems. This book is to explain the way I am and how I feel. Let this book be a reliever and not a corrupter to ruin my relationships with anyone else.


This book might be filled with the impression that one day that I will kill myself...don't worry, I've pondered it already. I will never do it, so you need not worry. I also want to point out that I do not "abuse" my body in anyway...nor anyone else's. 


This book tells of the feelings I have when I break. This isn't how I feel 24/7. And when I do feel like this...every emotion is amplified 10x fold.


I have recently told a friend of these emotions and come to find out that he has similar feelings. He is moving to Texas soon, and he wrote me a good-bye letter containing his thoughts of me and some concerns he has had of our friendship. I responded and we found out that we have more in common than we first thought. He is a true friend. And we've decided that we can talk about anything together and I'll tell you one thing...being able to do that has lifted some weight off of my shoulders. I have also taken the first step with another friend in writing him a similar letter. I hope it works out.


*For anyone who has problems, I do suggest talking about them to someone you can trust. It does help, and makes you feel a lot better afterward.


Anyone have a fucked up family?...I'll try to explain to the best of my ability.


My mom and dad had me. They were never married. Mom broke up with him ---> few months later, got together with my first step-dad. He already had 2 older boys(than me). Dad 2.0 and my mom had my two sisters. Fast-forward 6ish years. Divorce ---> 4 years just my mom, 2 sisters, and myself. A lot of boyfriends. Met CB. He has two boys(younger than me). They've been together since 2001, it's June 24th 2007 today. (Greatly simplified)


I try to joke about it with my friends about my messed up family tree. They think it's funny, but it's Really not.


You know how many fights I've been through? Think about that...


You know how many yelling, screaming fights I've seen? How many pushes...My crying near by just being "invisible" as always. Doesn't it just make you feel all Good inside? All nice and toasty...I Fucking love it.


And they tell me to grow up...


STOP FIGHTING! I CAN'T STAND IT!


Up until now (3 months ago), I have been writing in this book with a pretty steady pace. But now...I don't have to. I have found someone I can talk to freely, without being judged. And basically(most, not all) things that I have said from page 1 has been fixed.


I hope this book has shone some light on my life, or how it used to be.


I'd like to leave you with something Epic, but I am a simple person. If the book helped you in anyway, I am glad. :) If not...you have already been fixed, so again, I'm glad. I know it would be a lot more impressive if the book was full...what whatev.


Like I said, something epic...

Happiness is the key to life.

Brutal Truth

 

                             -Deep Breath-

--- Just fucking do it already, I thought. Go ahead...make another attempt to draw attention to yourself; that way you can have someone feel obligated to cheer you on so you'll do it. Pathetic. We as humans leech off each other. We can't go or do something we want, if no one is watching. It's not that people don't know what they want...in fact, they know exactly what the fuck they want. They just hesitate; they want to be reassured by someone, they want to be noticed doing it, they want the look of approval, the "okay, I'm watching" look...so they don't feel guilty following through. They want attention. ---

I wrote this snippet as the opening paragraph for my book that I --- plan on writing. The more I read it, the more I realize that I am a hypocrite; the venom and disgust I had when I first wrote it towards certain people...also applies to me.

 "I don't see myself  as a person who is in this situation. I just don't. I don't see myself this way ---

...well this is how it is."

I want attention. Everyone does. That is what we are searching for in life. Acceptance. A reason and justification of our own fucking being.

And as I live, as I experience life, the more I learn. Ideas change, thoughts change, opinions change, perceptions change, accepted morals change---Facts change.

But sometimes...we can't distinguish "fact" from casted shadows. Sometimes we get lost in the haze, the confusion, the day-dream.

We get lost in thought...in search of the answers.

And do you know what the scariest part is? Is that we don't know that we went anywhere...until we wake up. "Fact is", we lose control of thought.

We know we sleep. We know that we wake. But we Don't know or have any remembrance of the time in-between. 

If it wasn't for the habit of waking up every morning...being on a time schedule...what is stopping us for sleeping forever? NOT being able to wake? What if that is death...the inability to wake. What if? Why not?

Obviously we dream...and sometimes we can remember what happened in the dream. You wake up, the dream is fresh in your mind. You try and try to hold onto it--- and then uncontrollably we start to lose it. The dream decays in our mind. We grow ignorant. We seem to just forget. And me personally I know it feels almost like self-betrayal.

Fact is...I had no control over losing the dream in my mind...but yet - I- forgot it.

Or is that just perception? 

I can't see my mind not remembering something that it has experienced. I don't see why it couldn't have just condensed it...changed it around a little to "save some space." I may have forgotten it, maybe I have lost the ability to conjure the memory on the spot...but for my mind to erase something completely? I think not.

Maybe us "dreaming", or day-dreaming for that matter, are just those forgotten memories trying to resurface. Why not?

It's not until we wake up that we realize that anything was going on...

In our dream, everything going on was Completely real to us. Then we wake. I'm just saying, Maybe it IS still real, that our dreams are real somewhere, something we have experienced at one point.

Just food for thought:

Why can't life itself be a dream?...one that we simply forgot when we "awoke". Maybe I'm dreaming right now. Does it make what I'm experience any less real? No.

Why can't us getting lost in thought, be our search for that slight remembrance of life that we have somewhere inside our minds that we just forgot?

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Ignorance...is only based on perception. One man's first breath, is someone's last.

Just because I am not aware of something...doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. It just doesn't exist to ME, the individual. Just because something isn't significant to me, doesn't mean that it ITSELF isn't significant.

There are over 9 billion people on this earth...and only .000000001% of those people know of me. To the other 99.9 etc % people, I don't exist. But I DO exist. Take that example to any paradox you can think of...and think, "is it really a paradox Or is it just perception?" I'll leave that to you....but to me: They are one in the same.

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Whether or not you matter...

You have lived...

And even though you will die, you will leave ~something~ behind. Whether you know it or not

That is fact.

"...there is no such thing as spotless. It just ends up somewhere else. Just being pushed around...

Work is endless, that is what I've found. Maybe this earth is just a ball of fluff. Some great big cleaner out there said, "enough"...and that's how we all survived.

Why not? We are just the parasites and that God has forgot. the point is, is that we never disappear, despite it being what we almost fear. Certainly not finished when we die. However hard the Undertakers try. Every single creature feeds another. Everybody is everyone's mother, or at the very least a kind of host. Perhaps when we expire, we change at most...but never vanish.

No, we leave a stain, a fingerprint, some mess. Perhaps some pain. Some fear or doubt in someone else's heart. We leave a mess in fact when we depart.

When you look closer, nothing goes away. It changes, see? Like night becomes day and day the night...but even that's not true...it's really all about your point of view. Depending on where you are standing on the earth. And in the end, it is simply isn't worth your while to clean your life away. You can't.

For everything thing you do and say is there, forever. It leaves evidence. In fact that is only really common sense. There is no such thing as nothing/not at all. It may only be very, very small...but it's is still there. In fact I think I guess that "no" does not exist. There is only Yes."

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You cannot have good, without having the bad. (The rest is mainly quotes I have enjoyed, and picked up here and there. I figured this post was long enough...and that I'd write more on this topic later anyway.)

Like everyone else, I am acutely conscience sometimes of my own isolation...even in the midst of people. And I often give up hope of ever being able to really communicate with them. It is not only the sort of isolation that every writer or artist must experience in the creative mood, if it is to create anything at all. It is like a black cloud, sweeping down on me unexpectedly...cutting me off from others. A sort of death mood-ness.

And into the dream I go.

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Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born.

But while alive, you wait in vain...wasting years for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it alright. And it never comes; or it seems to but it doesn't really. So you spend your time in vague regret or vague hope, that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected...something that will make you feel whole...something that will make you feel loved.

And the truth is---I feel so angry.
And the truth is---I feel so fucking sad.
And the truth is---I felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long.

And for just as long have been pretending I am okay...just to get along...just for...

I don't know why.

Maybe because...no one wants to hear about my misery. Because they have their own.

Well...fuck everybody.

Amen.  

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Dear diary, I am afraid I am gravely ill. It is perhaps times like these that one reflects on things past. An article of clothing from when I was young, a green jacket. A walk with my father. The game we once played; pretend we are fairies. I'm a girl fairy and my name is Lora Lee. And you are a boy fairy and your name is Titily.

Pretend that when we are fairies, that we fight each other...and I keep telling you, stop hitting more or I'll die.

And you hit me again and I say, Now I Have to die.

And you say, ...but I'll miss you. 

And I'll say, 

...but I Have too.

And you will have to wait a million years to see me again. And I'll be put into a box, and all I'll need is a tiny box and a glass of water and lots of tiny pieces of pizza, and the box will have wings like an airplane. And you'll ask, But where will it take you?

Home.

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If and when I die, I want to see you cry. I want to see you tear your hair...hear your howls of anguish fill the air. I want to see you beat your chest, wrinkle you clothes and all the rest. Sob and fall upon my bed...I want to know that I am dead.

I want to know I am a part of you...and that you are going to burn me, being torn away. I want to see you dressed in black, with red-rimmed eyes from all of the sleepless nights of grieving...I want to hear you protest me of leaving. I want to see you in each others arms, wailing. See you kick a chair and punch the wall. See you moan and fall upon the grim and scream.

I want to know that this isn't just a dream...

I want my death to be just like my life. I want the mess, the struggle, and the strife. I want to fight and see you fight for me. I want to hear your last regrets, the things you wish you should have done and said. In fact I'd like that just before I'm dead. Don't let them put you off or make you go. Or say it's bad for me or it makes it hard for me to leave because it won't be true. I want to see you grieve. Don't let me die in silence, all pious and polite. Let's make a lot of noise. A different kind of light will fill the room.

I want my death to wake you up and clean you out. And as I end...I'll hear you breathe,

no...

I will hear you say,

No...

I will hear you scream,

NO...

 
But I will go.

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I will be dying and so will you, and so will everyone here. That's what I want to explore.

We're all hurtling towards death, yet here we are for the moment, alive. Each of us knowing we're going to die, each of us secretly believing we won't.

I won't settle for anything less than the brutal truth. Brutal. Brutal. Each day I'll hand you a paper, it'll tell you what happened to you that day. You felt a lump in your breast. You looked at your wife and saw a stranger, etcetera.

I'm not excusing myself from this either. I will have someone play me, to delve into the murky, cowardly depths of my lonely, fucked-up being. And he'll get notes too, and those notes will correspond to the notes I truly receive every day from my god! Get to work!

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Look at me. There is nothing to talk about. It's not your fault. I've watched you forever. But You never really looked at anyone other than yourself. So watch me. Watch my heart-break. Watch me jump. Watch me learn that after death there is nothing, there is no more watching, no more following. No love. No more goodbyes. Say goodbye to everyone. Say it for yourself too. None of us have much time.

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As the people who adore you stop adoring you; as they die; as they move on; as you shed them; as you shed your beauty; your youth; as the world forgets you; as you recognize your transience; as you begin to lose your characteristics one by one; as you learn there is no-one watching you, and there never was, you think only about driving - not coming from any place; not arriving any place. Just driving, counting off time. Now you are here, at 7:43. Now you are here, at 7:44. Now you are... Gone.

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What was once before you...an exciting and mysterious future...is now behind you. Lived. Understood. Disappointing. You realize that you are not special. You have struggled into existence. And are now slipping silently out of it. This is everyone's experience. Every. Single. One. The specifics hardly matter. Everyone is Everyone.

So you are Adel...Hazel...Claire...Olive...you are Ellen, all of her meager sadness's are yours. All of her loneliness. The gray, straw-like hair...her red raw hands. It's yours. It is time for you to understand this.

--------------------------------

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot.

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.

^--- Basically, "Ignorance is Bliss." And it is so true.
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Although I didn't write some of this material, I think it is fair to say that it Doesn't mean that I couldn't have...and I think that means a lot. I didn't have control over when I was born.

I hope you enjoyed it. Definitely more to come, but I figured I've given you plenty to ponder. Whether or not you believe me on every point I made...moral of the story is: Be open-minded. And to not ask "why?" --- but to ask "why not?"

:)

Black and White

As we go through life, it is a never-ending struggle to be happy. You can't have the good without the bad; it is what creates perception.

If you were to wish for your perfect life as you imagine it now and it became true...you would soon grow unsatisfied. What seems so great to you now, would lose it's worth. You as a human, would grow greedy and want something else; you would want more. What was so "perfect" before, is only the norm now and you would be right back to square one, where you are now. As selfish as an idea that is, it is only human nature...that is apart of us all in some way. We only want the best, we only want the best for others. We just want to be happy. And as cliche as all of this is, it doesn't make it any less untrue.

I recently had to cure my case of temporary Glaucoma *cough*...and I had an epiphany. Now this won't sound ground-breaking at all to most people...you will be like, "Duh? Your point?"


But it is simply, that I finally understand that: Everything is significant. Everything.

I think we can all agree that there is a difference in knowing something...and then feeling something. I can say something, and you will understand what I am saying but you won't, "Get it." You won't understand the significance, the...severity of which I mean to get across. Easy example: I love you. Three little words...but they can mean So much. Love is more a feeling than a thought...love is often just irrational. But it Just Makes Sense. Once you have experienced(?) it...you finally "Get it." And it is so much more than simply understanding the concept.


And that was my epiphany the other night...and I went on a 2 hour rant, I actually recorded about an hour of it. I basically wouldn't shut-up. I felt like I could never communicate it enough, that I wasn't getting through to the person I was talking to. And as I was talking...I was having realization after realization of things I already knew, but it wasn't until then that I fully understood. See the difference? And here is the kicker if you think about it...here I am continually trying to explain it now, and I still don't feel satisfied. When you probably understood what I meant right from the start...but I'll never know if you "get it" or not.

Everything is significant, everything has an effect on everything else...somehow, whether or not you realize it.

A quote from Synecdoche, New York (A must see by the way):

"Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make. You can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe, you won't know for 20 years, and you may never ever trace it back to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try to plan out your own divorce. And they say there is no 'fate'. There is...it is what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born."

You as a person...Are significant. You Do matter. And Just because everyone else does too...doesn't mean that no one doesn't, even though you may feel that it is the case. You Are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second...but what you have to realize, you make the gears of world that we know going. You make choices everyday that have an affect on me somehow, and I may not even know you.

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But that isn't good enough for us, is it? We want to feel wanted...needed. We want the attention of the whole world. We want Proof that we are here for a reason...

We search and search for nothing less than proof.

We question ourselves. "I'm just a spec, why do I matter? No one would even notice if I was gone..." We question our worth, feel neglected, over-shadowed by everyone else.

The more...

The less...

However you think about it...we want answers.

Who created the universe? Why?

Who created the earth? Why?

Who created humans? Why?

Who created me? Why?

Why...are we here?

Why...am I here?

Why not me?

Why...me?

Why...

Do you see a pattern? We always have another question.

...why?

Why anything? Someone knows, right? Maybe.

And because we have to have these answers, we attempt to explain through:

Ignorance...

Theories...

Science...

Faith...

God...

Or...

Or? (For the sake of simplicity...I'll be referring to the "Truth" as God. Don't take that as I mean the Christian or any other God, I'm not cheering for any explanation."

What if life as we know it...in all it's glory, it simply an explanation for something else?

What if what most people refer to God as...is nothing more or less than what you want to be yourself? Omniscient. Maybe God is just another person, in his/her/whatever own Fucked up world, just like you...trying to make sense of it all? Maybe we are all creations of another imagination to explain things. Maybe...they are Not perfect? But to us, in our small...small realm of perception, we only think they are because we are ignorant. And our "God"...has their own God they are trying to figure out. They have their own lives...their own shit to deal with.

If everything is connected...

Why... not?

No matter how big or small the aspect of life you put under a microscope...or how clear cut the answer may seem...if you look close enough, there is always some gray. And within the gray...black and white...it never ends. That is the curse of being human: We Are Ignorant.

Paradoxes are a bitch aren't they? So is Life. Get over it. Enjoy the good times, and take the bad with a grain of salt.

I'm just sayin'...

Short and Sweet.

It has been too long since my last post, so here we go...short is better than nothing right?

To get this out of the way...here is a new poem, I think it is decent.

Narrow Arrows

Silence fills my ears as my distraction comes to an end,

There to temporarily pretend...of the existence of a true friend.

I mold, I bend, to the words of the wind...

An emptiness I am all too aware sets in,

As I again attempt to mend my heart that I too often lend.

Rendered is my hope, blinded are my eyes.

With another waste of a beat, another part of me dies.

My souls of my feet are sore, searching for the one I shall forever adore,

In the Labyrinth of false trails, and meaningless interactions,

All distractions...a place for everyone else, but my own matching.

My mind pretends, to feel the breeze from the feathers,

From the bow shoots Cupid, his weathered, tethered arrows.

These narrow misses, harrowing inventions of my imagination,

Well you can fathom that they get the best of me.

I think too much, and there I'll be...

Lying in bed, pillow over my eyes,

As I realize...the truth of these lies.

Disappointed, I start to cry...

Questions arise: who, how, and why?

But my time will come, I have to believe...

There is someone out there for me who is not a tease.

To have her, I'm tired of lifting my feet.

Please, just this one favor? I'm trying to live a life, one that I can savor.

To lose my sanity, is what I most dread...

So let me have it, while I'm still not dead.

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Having said that...

This post makes a much needed turn in the more happy direction than some of my previous ones.

There is someone, and she knows exactly who she is...she makes me happy. :) As early as it is in the relationship...I have a good feeling about her. I could go through a list of adjectives to describe her...but for two reasons, I shall not. 1) I don't feel like typing that much(this is supposed to be short anyway) And 2) As I have said before...emotions/feelings/thoughts can't be justified with words. They just can't.

Let's just say...

Seeing her, hearing her laugh...I can only smile. Holding her in my arms, cheek to cheek...my heart starts pounding. And kissing her, with my fingers running through her hair...the feeling is indescribable.

But as we both agreed...we want to take the relationship slow. Don't want to rush into things, nor mess this up by going too fast.

God I'm a sap...

Oh well. Deal with it. :P

Leaving it S&S...until next time.

P.S. Short and Sweet. Gosh...what? Do you think I make these acronyms up or something? Lawl.

Phoenix Effect

I think too much and I beat myself up.

What I feel and what I think are two totally different things, and I can't really control either one it seems --- I can't negotiate one into siding with the other, so I am always in a constant struggle with myself. And it's ripping me apart at times.

Best example I think of, is that I -feel- like I should get all of this out, that I need to vent. But I think otherwise...I think that I shouldn't have to, that for one --- I am only being melodramatic, "emo", or whatever you want to call it. But I have feelings too right? But again, I think that I should be able to control them, but I don't feel like I can do it. I long for attention...hell, everybody does. But no one wants to be around a "downer", and I sure don't want to BE one. Oh conundrums.

Since I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. This includes promising one thing to someone, and then turning around and promising something else to someone else that effects my first promise. I do this with the best intentions...but it doesn't work out. I lie...so people don't have to know the truth. I do this to stay out of trouble myself...because I don't want confrontation. "Everyone just needs to be happy." Usually what I lie about are not huge things, nothing bad...just little shit that I feel could go without knowing because who fucking cares. Is it worth the trouble? Is it worth the bickering or pain that comes from knowing the truth? In a way I feel like I am helping the situation...best intentions.

Does it matter if I tell you the real reason I didn't "come over"? Point is...I am not coming over, whether it's just that I didn't feel like it, or I was busy. But I'll end up saying, "Nah I have some stuff to deal with." If I say, I don't feel like it...the other person ask why?...am I not important enough? Or enjoyable company? NO...that isn't the answer, I just didn't want to fucking come over...and I ALSO didn't want to have to explain myself when it honestly isn't anymore than I didn't want to come over. There are No underlying, secret reasons, and I tried to go the easy route because I didn't want to go through this ordeal.

/rant

Okay so recently...if you didn't know. I found out that my Ex cheated on me multiple times, with three different people (that I know of).

/pityme Blah blah blah.

Point that I want to make, and that I wanted to make longer but I'm losing interest...

Is --- if you ever cheat, you should Die in a fire. And no...I won't piss on you to put you out, but I will on your ashes afterward.

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Not going into detail, but I loved her...more than I could explain. And just because I played a game, that is reason enough to cheat with everyone.

/Longstory
Going to be honest...this ( ^--- ) put me in a little bit of a funk, which caused me to think more about other aspects in my life. I'm not perfect, but as anyone, I just want to be happy. But I'm getting over it, and I want to rise above my problems. So out of your ashes...I rise reborn.

Enough for now. Other pressing matters.