Heartless.

It's okay...but I am not.

Why do I feel so horrible right now? What is the reason for it?

I fucking hate it. I hate being human...

I'm upset, and what is so wrong with that? Why do I feel so guilty about it?

"No one wants to hear about my misery. Because they have their own. Well...fuck everybody."

I want to erase this whole note...I felt like I had so much to say --- but I get to this point, and I lose all motivation to continue. This is when I start to think.

I use my head instead of my heart. And at these times...why do I feel so god damn heartless? I feel like I am abandoning myself. Abandoning myself in mid-sente....

My feet were up...but all was well.

Ever since I can remember, anytime I have ever gone over train tracks...I have lifted my legs off the floor of my truck and have made a wish to myself.

It was something cute my grandmother taught me long ago. She always told me to keep wishing---and one day, whatever I may be wishing for will come true as long as I believe in it.

With a curious mind, I often asked her what she wished for...but she would never tell me. She said, "if I tell you...it won't come true."

Since her death, I sort of made it my personal vow to keep it going...Whenever I do it, it makes me think of her and of how much I miss her. It is the little things that remind you of the big parts of your life, but she is in a better place now...so all is well.

And for a few months now, it has been the same wish every time, and I am happy to say it has come true.

I wished for someone in my life, someone that I could spend my days with. I know it sounds silly, most people call it puppy-love...but this feels---different, in the best way possible. Although we just started seeing each other, I feel like I have known her forever. And that simply makes me smile.

She...makes me smile. And if you are reading this Rose, you are my girl.



So tonight, on my way home...I went over some tracks; and I thought to myself, "what is there to wish for now?" Because quite frankly...I am very content at the moment, I am satisfied.

Before I knew it, I was over the tracks...my feet were up; but I had no wish.

I had no wish.

So I did the one thing I could do...

I thanked my grandmother.

I suddenly got a warm feeling. A warm tingly feeling that ran through my entire body...but seemed most strong in my heart.

And I knew at that moment, my grandmother had heard it. And I know I made her smile. It was a good feeling indeed.

For although she has been gone for years now, she remains in my life still today...I truly believe that she is my guardian angel.

She watched over me while she lived...and she is still after her death.


And even though she never told me really what her wish was...

I know it came true tonight---

It was for me to be happy...and I am. I finally am.

Thank you again Grandma---Thank you.


Your little bundle of joy,

"Tator-tot."

----------------------

R.I.P.
Jacquelyn Elain Cash

March 10, 1947 - March 29, 2004

A feeble attempt to reveal the already Subtle.

In retrospect...for the most part, this post is pointless and stupid but whatever.

I was in the pool the other day where the suntanning chairs sit in the water. I was laying down on the "floor" of the pool, yet half my body was out of the water. I was eye level with the water, with my head lying on my crossed arms...

I was alone in the pool.
Just thinking...

The water was still.

I stared into nothingness.

Then I saw it, the subtle, yet constant movement of the water.

I came to realize, that no matter how still I lie alone...

The water, will never cease to move.
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I cannot describe the feeling I got when I realized this. Nor do I remember my exact thoughts that I had. All I know, is that I just continued to lay there.

It was a unique feeling --- realizing that no matter how hard I tried, trying so hard to do nothing...that I couldn't do it.

I failed at something that required me to do absolutely nothing...

And for the first time in my life, I was okay with failing.

I feel that there is a steady rhythm to the universe. It goes for the most part, unseen. But for anyone who looks, it is there. When someone says they are in the moment, I think they are feeling the steady beat of the universe's heart. Theirs and the universe are one...

You can't explain in words how you feel in a "moment"...but I think I was in one the other night, no matter how insignificant it might have been.
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All there is left to say is..."Cool story bro."

Did he just say...Nympho?

What is it with some people?
It is seeming harder and harder to find decent people in this world anymore.

When I say decent, I am referring to people's lack of dignity when it comes to sex, their is a lack of self-worth.

Before I go any further...this is just Me, and my view on it. If you agree, awesome...if you don't and I'm talking to you, well Sorry.

I'm a guy, and I've never been able to get into the whole "macho" view of...getting pussy.

Example: "Yeah man, smell my finger...I fucked the hell out of *insert name* (if they know it) last night." --- "Oh that chick at the party?" --- "Yeah dude, it was awesome." --- "Nice!" /fist-pound

...it's not that I am gay and I like guys, and I am definitely not saying that I don't like pussy but, me personally, I want a little substance of a relationship...before I start having sex with the girl. I can never, ever see myself having to give the excuse..."Well I was drunk." I never want to say that, I never want to get into that situation.

I am talking to everyone, guys and girls...
Bottom line is, I don't understand what kind of a mentality a person has to have, to fuck someone they just met...to have sex with someone, and it not mean anything...to cheat on someone...or to just fool around with multiple people. I just don't get it.

I'm going to be honest here...I'm not a virgin, but I've only been with one girl, and I thought we were in love...turns out, that she is just a crazy bitch. And I know countless people, who have no problem in fucking anyone who looks "hot"...at least they try to. Mistakes happen, I understand that fer sure...but a lifestyle out of it? I'll pass. One good girl is all I need.

Now I get joking around...but people who actually go person to person, and can't hold an honest relationship with anyone...that's what gets me. They get "hurt", and move on to the next person...just to just get hurt again. But they don't realize...most of the time they are just going after to same Type of person, over and over again, it holds the same outcome. When will they learn? Why do they put themselves through that?

Why do people fuck to just fuck? I know it feels good and all, but to me...sex is more than just "physical pleasure"...it's a lot more than that.

I do not say these things to, somehow put myself on a pedestal...that I am better than everyone else, etc. I just don't agree with it.

I'm not a bible thumper. I think it is perfectly okay to have sex before marriage...as long as you two love each other. Sex is apart of life...but it shouldn't be misused(?).

Hell...I am a Nympho myself, but I have control. I love sex...but I never want to love it More than the person that I that I might be with. I am into all the freaky shit, like I love it...not that I've tried it all, but I know what I want. Girls playing innocent? Girls that want to be controlled in bed? Fuck ya. (Better stop before I go too far, sorry for that...or am I?)

All I'm saying, is love the person that you are with. Love them before you have sex...and once you Both do, sure...go for it, make it crazy. =D

Be smart about it...don't knock up someone that you never want to see again.


I might be a Nympho, but...really?