Internal Torment.

The greatest issue that I have been having these past few months, is the ever presence of being alone.

This is not to say...that there is no one who has my back.
This is not to say...that I do not have any friends, nor that there isn't anyone that could be "there" for me.

These things I am glad to say, I have. But something...more specifically someone, is missing from my life; it is the person that I call mine.

Since breaking up with my last girlfriend, who was technically my Fiancé, I have been feeling much alone. I miss the Little Things.

I miss her fingers in between mine, I miss the smell of her hair, I miss her jumping into my arms, I miss our silly inside jokes that only make us laugh, I miss whispering in each others ear, I miss her telling me that she loves me...I miss saying it back, I miss Spider-man style kisses or any kisses for that matter, I miss cuddling up with her, I miss her faith in me that I could handle any problem that she had, I miss...oh this list could go on and on. It's not my old girlfriend I miss...I just miss having the person I could call mine to do these things with.

I want it to be clear, that I do Not want my old girlfriend back...at all. But, it's hard to get over the good times, it's hard to get over the good feelings that came with the relationship. I simply want them back, I want those feelings back that made me feel alive...I want them for them for the both of us, for my future girl and myself. I just don't know when "her" and "I", will become "we".

The last thing that I want...is to get into a relationship...just because I can. I want us to be for each other. I want to be happy...for us to be happy...not just something temporary. So I am trying not to be desperate about the girls I meet...I am trying to be reasonable and logical about it.

I am trying to not let myself make excuses for the reasons that I Don't like them, just so I can justify actually going after them. But I am getting desperate...but I must stay adamant, because if not...if I settle for someone that is less than I deserve, I won't be happy. And I suggest this line of reasoning to anyone...don't settle for less than you deserve. The final goal is to be happy...not to pretend that you are. Don't get yourself in an endless vicious cycle.

So to help me keep up my chin about this situation (which I realize is a problem for a lot of people...and I am not saying that I am special in anyway, but this is my blog, so whatever), I have been writing myself little notes. They keep me on track, and here are a few. *Incoming Cheesiness*
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"Although it takes longer than you want, the wait is well worth it. Although you can't imagine her now, once with her you can't imagine a life without her. Although you may be sad now, soon you will be more than content. Listen to these words, they are the truth."

"I realize that I want to talk to someone about how I feel alone, and then I realize that the person that I want to talk to the most...I haven't met yet. I also realize that once I get to talk to this person, that I won't be alone anymore."

"I may have found my love; I am just not sure if I am hers. If that is the case, I cannot explain my regret to the path taken by fate."

"I despise the unknown. My hope rises and dips depending on my angle of thought on the subject. I know what I want, just not the truth."
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I know that once I am with her...all of these problems with evaporate. I will treat her right, I will cherish her for who she is.

Without tooting my own horn...I am a good guy, I have a lot of redeeming qualities...so why am I the one who has to wait for happiness? Why do much less good people find their "significant other" before I do?

Got to love, /self-pity. =(

I know "time will bring you the right person"....but quite frankly, I am quickly getting tired of hearing that excuse. But you can't always get what you want...

Fuck Internal Torment.