Phoenix Effect

I think too much and I beat myself up.

What I feel and what I think are two totally different things, and I can't really control either one it seems --- I can't negotiate one into siding with the other, so I am always in a constant struggle with myself. And it's ripping me apart at times.

Best example I think of, is that I -feel- like I should get all of this out, that I need to vent. But I think otherwise...I think that I shouldn't have to, that for one --- I am only being melodramatic, "emo", or whatever you want to call it. But I have feelings too right? But again, I think that I should be able to control them, but I don't feel like I can do it. I long for attention...hell, everybody does. But no one wants to be around a "downer", and I sure don't want to BE one. Oh conundrums.

Since I can remember, I have been a people pleaser. This includes promising one thing to someone, and then turning around and promising something else to someone else that effects my first promise. I do this with the best intentions...but it doesn't work out. I lie...so people don't have to know the truth. I do this to stay out of trouble myself...because I don't want confrontation. "Everyone just needs to be happy." Usually what I lie about are not huge things, nothing bad...just little shit that I feel could go without knowing because who fucking cares. Is it worth the trouble? Is it worth the bickering or pain that comes from knowing the truth? In a way I feel like I am helping the situation...best intentions.

Does it matter if I tell you the real reason I didn't "come over"? Point is...I am not coming over, whether it's just that I didn't feel like it, or I was busy. But I'll end up saying, "Nah I have some stuff to deal with." If I say, I don't feel like it...the other person ask why?...am I not important enough? Or enjoyable company? NO...that isn't the answer, I just didn't want to fucking come over...and I ALSO didn't want to have to explain myself when it honestly isn't anymore than I didn't want to come over. There are No underlying, secret reasons, and I tried to go the easy route because I didn't want to go through this ordeal.

/rant

Okay so recently...if you didn't know. I found out that my Ex cheated on me multiple times, with three different people (that I know of).

/pityme Blah blah blah.

Point that I want to make, and that I wanted to make longer but I'm losing interest...

Is --- if you ever cheat, you should Die in a fire. And no...I won't piss on you to put you out, but I will on your ashes afterward.

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Not going into detail, but I loved her...more than I could explain. And just because I played a game, that is reason enough to cheat with everyone.

/Longstory
Going to be honest...this ( ^--- ) put me in a little bit of a funk, which caused me to think more about other aspects in my life. I'm not perfect, but as anyone, I just want to be happy. But I'm getting over it, and I want to rise above my problems. So out of your ashes...I rise reborn.

Enough for now. Other pressing matters.