Oh Youu...

*Rough Draft* of a Train of Thought. (Hint: Read slow. For it is all significant in some way. I.S. = Infinitely Significant.)

"Don't wake me up, when I am sleeping in...I am simply enjoying the fact, that I, that I can dream in peace."

And into the dream we go...with subtle remembrances of Youu...

"I close my eyes, and his image floats beside me. A sweaty-toothed madman, with a stare that pounds my brain. His hands reach out and choke me. And all the time he is mumbling, mumbling truth. A truth, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. You push it, stretch it, but it will never be enough. You kick at it, you beat it, it will never be able to cover any of us. And from the moment you enter crying, to the moment we leave dying..it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream."

Youu...

You tried to save me...

Why didn't I let you? 

"Show me the Heart unfetted by foolish dreams, and I'll show you a happy man.... But only in their dreams, can a man be truly free, it was always thus and always thus will be."

You were all I wanted. In your absence...you were still my world. Not thinking of you, felt like betrayal to my love for you. You would look at me with those beautiful eyes...tender hugs...wet lips...seductive voice...soft hair...I was euphoric. You made everything okay with a single touch. You consumed my whole world. You were my whole world.

Oh look shiny. I must see. I must check it out. It is more complex than I, I must understand it. I must explain it. I must take it apart, piece by piece. Second by second. And break it down to its simplest form, that is the only way to explain it, to make it make sense. You continue to search. And when you fit the pieces back together...you realize that you have created some much more complex than before. You must understand this now. Repeats. But we are too ignorant to realize that it is the same puzzle. When just keep forgetting...Everyone does it a different way. I may figure out this piece first...but you grabbed a different one. At the end of the day...it's just the same puzzle. But since we started in a different place, we feel like we own a separate puzzle. Now don't you just feel silly? You Reflect on your newly obtained knowledge. A reflection...Oh! SHINY!

But oh howYou are doomed.

-----------------------

You could have been all I wanted.

I mean...I loved you.

However naive I may I might have been, however blind...You had My heart.

You wrapped it around your finger. You brushed your teeth with my blood. And swallowed.

Every day, you took a little more. But you gave me anesthetics, to hide my pain.

You said it was love. I believed you. Your words became mine, I was only but a tool.

I was left dependant.

You consumed me.

You sucked me clean, left me as a pathetic, siphoned mass: Used.

You would look at me with those beautiful eyes...and I was hooked. Mind-controlled.

You gave me hugs, only to lay your eggs in my head...you gave me kisses, only to poison me.

Your voice carried your lies, as the bugs in my head told me they were true.

You gave me massages, only to further break me down.

When we made "love", it was only to take away my manhood.

But I didn't notice...I was blind.

Despite the signs...how did you make yourself my life?

When we held hands...where did you hide the knife?

When you were "so" perfect...why did I still feel torn?

When my finger's stroked your hair...where were the horns?

When our tongues would dance...where was the serpent's split?

When I rested my head on your chest...how did you warm your heart so quick?

When I grabbed your ass...how did I miss the tail?

Why couldn't I see past the veil?

When I wiped away your tears...why did the acid not burn?

Why didn't I learn?

You are evil. Pure Betrayal.

You left me empty, dead.

And I wish the same for you. Bitch.

----------------------------------- (And then I flat-lined.) . . . .......

Improv:

You know what? This is just so interesting to do. I would often do this in the mirror. It was the ultimate improve. I want to improv. Improvisational theater (also known as improv or impro)...thank you Wiki! No to be confused with Wiei! Why would Anyone be confused with that? ...*cough*, I DID made you confused with that. I created doubt. ...in something purect. PURE PERCEP PURFECT. perfect. I took what you had "faith" in, ...that you had FACT in; and gave you doubt. Why would ANYONE be confused with that? It is so PURFECT! Why would Anyone be confused with that(Wiki and Wiei)? I have no clue. But for Some reason, you have a doubt. If you had no doubt...YOU WOULD NOT ask A QuEsTiOn.!? Of course you wouldn't have a question. But isn't kind of funny...that the One and Only question you would ask. Is Of Course,: Why? You KNOW Why? It is BECAUSE you MAKE -:"-:"-WHY]'> a QUESTION. INSTEAD of the ANSWER. Instead of, "WHY." You HAD to ask...<+*WHY?!%; =? THAT IS WHERE YOU WENT WRONG! FUCK! Nice Going...Asshole.

"I want you to stop listening...and kiss me.

I don't want you to listen...I want you to kiss me."

Either one I choose...I lose. I can't win.

But it is the fact that you choose, that makes you the winner. Action > Thought. Every time. 

Well well about the "action", of thought?

You thought about it, instead of doing...you lose that one. Just live a little on the edge. Live, by instinct. Because it was just meant to be. You go wrong by arguing....but it bothers you, that you didn't get the last word. That > I < got the last word. Just kiss the damn girl, and be Happy. :)

But then I thought...(Where I went wrong.)

I wrote I like "you..."

I was like wait..."it's youu..."

And just as it is now, there is an error.

Does not compute...*foreign*

"youu" does Not register.

And it hit me.

Youu...just might not be my, "you"

There is an error...it does Not match.

We do Not match. And we do Not know.

Sad face.

And all you saw...was my sad face. You asked, Why? When you Already knew.

And then I was lost in thought...and I'm pretty sure, you will be too. And as we are meant to be, and so. was. .

"The pictures are in the letter's eyes."

Youu...

Look at "Youu..." Start at the letter Y, and move to the right.

The letters have become the ground. The surface....in which you stand. In which that "Youu..." are standing on. That it is standing on. O is the next level down, think steps....Y to o. And the step-down to the u.....then to the last u. And then to the simple idea of three dots...

Now here is the important part. -----. . . ...

You step into the Abyss on the pure white heaven...So beautiful...calling your name. You want more, it MUST be a step, shouldn't it? You step, a "leap of faith." And then you fall of into abyss. Into black. Black and White. The pure white must be a letter, that had been forgotten for 1 millisecond. Surely they wouldn't leave me(it) stray. So I jumped...into the once known as pure heaven....only to fall...all...fall. Into the depths of black(colour) itself. You forget. You remember. , wrong.  You start anew, to the once u, and into the Y. WHY? Why, oh why , I? I be Y, you BE ME. And you get lost in your own pathetic sense of order. Because it makes sense to I, so it must be so true to you. And baby? It was just meant to be sugar. That we would find ourselves here, it's the small town of , Heaven. It is my haven child, and now yours. Aren't you happy? Why a confused look on your face? Shame child. For you must grow old with not such fettling dreams. Now smoke child!(devish stare) I thee comand. But she is ignorant...she knows not how to spell command. How silly of her. Let us now. Simply laugh. Ha. Ha. Ha. Funny ain't it? You think you are Soo freakidy smart to come...meddlin' in our wonders. No, for that. It will be Death. (Foreshadow) (p.s)(Isn't being the narrator so awesome?)(p.s.s.)(We get to laugh at them! Ha. Ha. Ha.) They think they are the center of attention, but no, they are simply. Pawns. Nasty little things, eh?, wouldn't you say? I say. Therefore, so should you. ...u? NO! Listen here now, you must bow. Bow to the ,Crown. Crown be Me, = there thee by ---> You. You are just a foul little boy(insert the woman get-to-vote speech. *Snort**Snort*)(p.s.(Infinity))(((Insecurities)))(It was in a Jim Carrey *Snort**Snort*In the mask. He was funny, wouldn't you say? Laughter. It was good. Nom. Nom. Right? Just saying...I called that. :) Follow me, and I will lead you smart. He. Excuse me,*cough*, I will lead you into the forest(said Will Ferrell)And we have gained a wolf. One Up! One Up!(Zach Galifinakas dressed as mario.) So Freaking Precious. Precious. Like a fat kid and His cupcake. fate kid = God. Snow Cone(David Spade)(Go Goliaths!(David?)(Oh yeah, oh youu. David wins. :)) = Humans. Am I right or am I right? Greedy bastard. If I could teach that Kid a few darn things, by golly...miss molly. I would. What? Fat Kid, has a Faushure?(Goldmember.) Oh yes..."He", does. It's this pissed off old man over here. And look, here sir. Here is your coffee. Hot and creamy. Just the way you like it. Ooop! As the black lady drops the coffee. All over this sweet old man's...puzzle. It says 500 pieces, but God Damn it! It only has 499! And now it is a mess! He, this old man would scream. Every morning. Tell me about it girl. Black ladies, so. .. Subtle. Lawl! Am I right or am I right? Oh shit...still in the same instance as the joke. Let me just...slip out. That's what she said! He called and said, "...Too far, Dude. Too far." DUDE! Where is my car...Gees people. STFU! I can't hear my show. Well Debbie, be nice. Not like you didn't fuck him all those years ago. Oh Bettie Sue, why must you do. Tell those silly stories and silly lies. Because I am a Religious woman God Damn it! (Can you say Hypocrite, much?) Yeah. I know, right? *Back to scene.* God damn it Gale! (She forgot her part, snort.)That's why she said. What? It was supposed to be, what. Oh. Oh gay guys, you gotta love them, like allotta vag-i-na. Borat, Borat. She would say. Hung like, sleeve of wizard no? I think so. Oh well if you look over here, said the tour guide. This is our new city. Hell. Tee-hee. I'm just kidding guys. But not really. Said David Cross. See guys, we use these characters to relate to the animals. (Talking about us. I'd safely say this is a good point to, Actually listen to, OKAY?Is that, OKAY!?With "youu."Always sooo FUCKING needy!!!!You ignorant CHILD! How dare you not....BE...>>>MOREREREARRRGGGGG! Said the Mother. The MOTHER. I bet she beats him.her.it.Goo.Whatev. Said Gale. SNAP! Plot tWisT! Remember, remember the 5th of November, just like...dun, Dun, DUN. PlottWisT! :) Sad face. Keeping up here people? This is HOW it works. Chapter 1, HOW it works. And not just how youu work. It is how we work. The System. It's a little complicated. So we shall go. Line, by. Simply. Line. Which are as we like to explain them...are all full of itty pitty...tincy......wincy....... quench. (Lines are made up of, dots...little specks.) Quench your thirst young one. You are weak from the journey. Are you...yearning? Moaning? Are you...needing, are you wanting...a bit of, attention? I hear, it here...that it is like drinking blood. It's just what's in ya, baby. How can...you go, WRONG! How can you? HOW...ladies and gentlemen. Is HOW it is done. I hope you all have been listening. And have a GOOD DAY!(You hear fucking in his voice. Tonight. He will see His WHORE! Fucking...cunt. But you MUST reSpeCt! Him!!! He is your TEACHER! He is you ALL! You must LOVE HIM! OMG, he is like...so flippin' Awesome. Yeah. He is. Hot. Blondies...they'll get cha' every'. TIME!!!!! Just like I got you, motha trucker. Did ya fuck er? I know I did. See...I added the confusion...the "er" if you will...into what you were reading that made you go all confuzed. Just like I am now. Even if you can keep up in the class. Even if you can understand!!! My System. Even if you can...get. 100.1% on my exams. My test...Every. Fucking. Day. IF you do  get past that, well actually...we have a superfluindous surprise for you today. (Lies) YOU LOSE!!!!! As said Willy Wonka. You did Not EAT THE CANDY! But I DID! Oh, no...no no no no nono NO! I did NOT. I did NOT EAT THE CANDY!!! Apple. Aren't Candy Apples Delish? Snort Snort. A dream within in a dream. Inception. Can you say, it had some holes? Your mom. OH, Snap. That Nigga just went there. Don't thou mean, NIGGER! No...no no no noon no. That is RACIST. We can't do that. That would be wrong. (Don't eat the candy(Said Bo Burnham)). But they call us CRAK+ERS! Just think Ducks. It's HaLARIOUS!. We are getting off track here people. We need to answer the question. President: What was your question? = Fake Bullshit. Both ways. There are so many holes in my, rant. If you will. But, it meets what makes sense. Doesn't it? I can't answer it all. But I'm working on it. FIRST!(YouTube) I covered the HOW is works...pretty well. Don't youu? Don't youu.? Oh no, it's Do you NOT! I forgot. Sorries. My bad. WHOS fault was it????!!!??! It was mine Sir. SIR!? I am a lady...so Smexy. *Wink*. (Think...VAMPIRES. They Feed off reassurance. But the LAST thing they will do...is tell you that is what they want. They say that women are confusing as hell...no. Well, not exactly. If you know how they work...just as I explained, how they are so backwards. Backwards. To YOUU. Are you getting it? Fuck...how long does it take to WAKE THIS GUY UP!!! WAKE UP! DUDE! DUUUUDDDDDDDEEEEE!(sweet) WAKE THE FUCK UP!. Man we got SHiThammered drunk last night(Asian ninjas in the SHiT You get it? The "i", is lower case...duh? When you think asian...what do you think? Huh? Be honest...they have small penises. Gees. WAKE UP DUDE. STOP DREAMING!!! AND START DAY-DREAMING! no, woah dude, you didn't say that that was the plan. Dude(#2, for clarification...if you can keep up. Alice and Wonderland...the Rabbit. He is late. Youu are late on the joke. AS USUAL! WAKE UP! DUDE, STOP saying WAKE UP...and SIMPLY, WAKE THE FUCK UP. we got more girls to bang. Said *insert any and all geeky characters...from...EVER.* They all turn, shut the Fuck up MEENKIS! (Boy Meets World: What is it? Only my fav sho' o' course. Look, I'm 20...I have my beard and all. Yeah, I'M a MAN! well, my Daddy dont think so. But I do. I means. ...I've got a beard. I can Walk "da" Walk": I can Talk the tale...take. Tale of Takes. He is such a band nerd. Need, nerd. Just Saying. Oh, it's YOUU! I'm so happy to see you! You finally woke up from your dream have you? You've been under for a lofty long time. Teelee. (Now what is the first thing you are going to ask? WHERE, am I? Chapta 2: WHERE did the letta: eR? Go.) Page: 3. WHAT? No...no no. no on no. WHAT? is Chapt(Go go "er-next letter mod. LAWL!) 3. Which will be cova'd lata. Blackies got this one guys. Sorries. Minority Laws. More like, inferiority! Ha. Ha. Ha. Right dad? Dad? Did you get it? Did you get my joke? What son?...leave me be. Go...go outside...and...play. That is what you need to do. Get out of my face. Flip 'N coin. Apologize. Or Not to apologize. THAT is the Question. That's it. ChaptER 2 is done. I said they'd get a cut...but. Let's just face it. YOUU are scum. It's the goo in the back of your head. It's the goo in the back of your head. The piece of paper...you can't read. It's...Blurry. Your eyes. EYES!, my child. Insecure. Why did you waste you time? Why not? OMG. "you" is underlined.  You can't read why...until I am done. So you continue to be selfish...without a second thought...you move you. You move on...you replace your position. You abandon yourself in mid-thought...when you should just finish it. Think. Thank. Thinking...it was me. But it was really Youu. If you paid attention more. If you could see closer. If you eyes weren't so freaking blurry. The moms are becoming cooler and cooler aren't they guys? Don't fondle me, gees! Just tell me. What is the money-maker? Dude! What is the money mackers? What...? Mockers. It's MAKERS! I care. I do. I want to be with you. But you just have to WAKE UP(Dogma.) Snaps!...fingers. Oh I always for*ponder*get  those. Pause. Stop. I had you again, that was two times in a row. One more and you ARE OUT! But I thought I was already outside...NO you silly child, you were only DREAMING of you being outside. You were lost in thought. And there He goes again. Who? That guy? Over there. No, Him. Which Guy? White Guy? (Racist) WHOSE guy? Yoo. Yoo, cum here. What happened do? No...WHOSE! Whatcha writing? Oh fuck...what am I writing? I just saw conscience. It's all related. But seriously...it's all related. "But seriously...what happened?" I got connected. My thoughts in here, ran with my RL here. My dreams, were connected...to me. To what is. That is the answer. Your dreams...ARE your reality. You can see the future. "Human brains only use 10% of their potential." Why NOT? Then. If you had more UNDERSTANDING, then Youuu TWO(O)(Volume 2: Answers the rest of the questions. Including the big one. :WHY? ) "Now...Broken Eyes, are one of the, they are the only way...at the moment...(atm) to symbolize what we are dealing with here. The "Goo", as it is put. And of course...for those Not, paying attention, is what the Broken Eyes, looks like. *Go go movie.* *Titled: Your Name. (I think...I forget, snort. It looks like this, "he raised his hand up and showed the slip of paper. It WAS. " O)O) " Fall down the hole...only to hit a barrier. The ) stood, in your way...The wall...as some put it. And then as easily as you were fooled by it's pure, HEAVEN...you fell into darkness. Once. MORE! Nom. Nom. NAAAAAAAMOOOOOOOOOOM! MOM! Gale pulled my hair! Now stop it! You two are sisters. You are acting like you are 6 years old! And you (young ladies) are SEVEN! Get these FOOLISH OUTSPIRTS! OF JIBBERISH! OUT OF your head. So she CLAWS and she CLAWS. Ripping at her eyes as they did the Devil's Deceiving. She just wanted to make her mother happy. (I have Got to pee.) ((How insensitive!) Oh yeah...sorry. I have to apologize for EVERYTHING! I'm Sorry! gees. I thought you were my dude. Nah man...I ain't your dude. I'm your bro. There is a difference. Whatev. Queer. /fight. White guy gets beat up by 7....well 6 black guys. They had to eat Car-Insurance. He was Mexican. Just like....HE, he, He, Him, him, HIM. Just like, he is you. I am you. I am you. I am I, me, and myself. See...? You step into it...it is extinct. Start with, "I." Go bigger...think bigger. It is more complicated than it Really I.S. Step into ME

Y is the highest level, of the game we call Life.

Y? You might ask...(Have you learned nothing?)

/Sigh. Here we go again. If only had time...you could have the mind-Sight to See what I am talking about. (My Sigh...turns into your Sight...with a little time (a little t).

And since you had a taste. That one ounce of goodness. That. Sweet. Addicting. Apple. It was addicting. The Apple. IS Addicting. And there so. . .is Inevitable. It is tasted...because IF it was tasted, it would be addicting. And you could never stop. Consuming. The reason everything is so messed up, is because it was meant to be. For it to be. It would be messed up. And there you are. This is our world. Our existence. Because we are. It was inevitable. And so it be, so it came. So it became. Get it? Probably, not. Maybe? No? Yes? Yeash? no. Because I awoke you. You were distracted by the shiny. Hynee? And I did it again folks. It is that simple. Done and done. Because it was meant so. I awoke you with a jump, with a nudge. A tap on the shoulder. I made youu turn. I made you take that step...You took the leap of faith. Because you felt something. My hand. My voice...my taste. My smell. I made you turn my love. My everything. Youu. You. Y U Me. You are yummy. And I love it. I love you. " Why you? " = " Y U " Because it is Me. Me is you. Me is WHO you WANT. Y U Me...M = Me. At first I didn't need the " e ". Because I had " M ". But you wouldn't have known what " M " stands for...so I HAD TO EXPLAIN. " M " Stands FOR " Me ". " Me " wasn't relevant to " M ", UNTIL  you ASKED what " M ", WAS. " M " I.S. " ME! ". You FiCkLiNg BaStArD. Gees. Don't you know that? " M " is SiMpLy, me. Just this guy. Over here. Silently waving, "hi". With not Even the guts to have his Period (.) END his sentence. He had to have the " " " run blocker for him. He, needed a friend. So one to be by his side, for no own reason than it was just meant to be. It was written. And so it was. It was inevitable (much like it is for me to explain how to spell inevitable to myself. He is just so silly. Youu gotta love him. Right? Ha. Ha. Ha. Says, Mother.). You gotta do this. Before you gotta do this. It is the same, as " this. " t>h>i>s>. Smaller, and smaller. The letters go...into the Abyss of Hope. But infinitely taller, and taller. Just as it was meant to be that taller had some walls to climb over...The T...had to get over the " ll " and fell off when it hit the " er".  T>ae~r. And there it is explained. " e~r. " Turned into " e~r? " Which is bigger? The e or the r? Are they the same height? R they? Are they the same? Or is it one of these....? ---> " ~ ".  Are they similar? Is that what the " ~ " stands for. Is it just about perception? And thus: er? Was created.

Let me get something straight here...it IS.IS.S.I. (is) e~r.

It is NoT: <>e~r?<> There I.S. no question. It IS: ER. or er. But never with the " ? "

Got it?

"no". (" . " is on the outside...just saying. "

<+*WHY?!%; =?  WHY? Do you NoT understand?

There is a no. In Known. Do you not see it? Look again. See? In that world. In that...word. Kno.wn is not spelled: known. It is spelled: Kno.wn.

There is NOT an explainable not. Duh. I was looking for the; Literally guys, the "nOt." With its own I am listening to the Thriller. Can you believe it? I can't. It is So scary. But so compelling. This story to hear...no, sir....it's over....it is Over here. Yeah, not over there. it is over HERE!.! /tangent

There is Not a " quotation " for not. Not like I created the one for the word, "why". Remember? It was the... " <+*WHY?!%; =? " The..." <+* and the !%; =? " Act as quotation Around the word, why. So I looked for the one I made for the word, not...And there just isn't one. Sorry guys. Forgot about that one. Be me. And...believe me. I am just here to tale the talk. I mean.../laugh sheepishly. sorry guys. I meant the. I meant, "I am just here to talk. The Talk." Smiley. Fake. He doesn't want to be here. He just is, Different. Yeah, he is just a bit different. Just a speck off the desk at the end of a long...miserable, yet always hopeful day.

And yes, guys. This is only Improv. Look at me go. Already. Already? We good to go? Hurry up. We will be late. Guys...guys? We aren't going to be late are we? /rolls eyes. Of course we are. Of course. We ARE! duh. ?/ .

?/

What is to the right of the " / " Nothing! But wait. Look closer...

There is a " " " at the end of that " / ". Isn't there.,? It is the commas that get you guys. Lawl. So infinitely funny. It is to me. Yes, of course there is a " " " at the end of " / ". At the end of / At the end. At the end...of course there is a ". At the end. There has to be an ending. We must all die. There will be a " " " At the end of your days. At that will make it ALL ok. And that is ALL we want. Is to know, that there I.S. a " at the end of the day. That WE are SATISFIED. Because I CAN: NOT! CANNOT! BE Unsatisfied. It just CAn't be trUe can it? Please...make this pain go away. I can't live like this. There MUST be a REASON. There must! There must! I DON:NOT believe. I do NOT believe. I can't I won't. I should....but I =AM IGNORANT. You=AM IGNORANT! Do you NOT get that !? FUCK! Even I do not know. There I.S a " " " at the end. At the end of this...miserable, yet always hopeful day. There is what? I have FORGOTTEN.! But <+*WHY?!%; =? It is SO FUCKING EASY! THERE IS a " at the end of your days!!!!!

so...

SO WHAT?

so..." WHAT? "

EXACTLY>!!!!!!!!!! Don't you GET it? The only way to make you understand, is to give you a little push. Okay...here we go. " ! " I.S. Bigger than EXACTLY. Get it? No.

So...your telling me, there is a chance?

NO! I am saying!!!!!>>>>That there is a " at the end of your days. It is PRE-Determined!  

But what was the bit on the whole..." EXACLTY>!!!!! Don't you GET it?"

What?

Yeah...there was that too. But first. But first you said " WHAT ", and this time... mrs. teather. I mean, mrs. teacher. (You have no clue how many times I tried to spell teacher. But mr. time...he told me in time. So I believed him. So now so should you. So go back, go back to your teacher before he teachers you something. You don't want to miss it...I swear. Trust me. Lawl. I've been there...been there done that. I simply laughed at mr. time. He is always the joker. Such fettering dreams of his...he thinks HE knows all? Now... is Lawl. Someone would ask, "What is that?" And I would Coolly say, is Wack! Oh yeah?, said the girl. Is what I secretly think...is, I think this, because it is cuter. It is cuter than . I like . I think I'll use I think I'll play with it. OPPS! Lol. I meant, . I only forgot... for a second. My bad guys. Sorries. Tee. Freakietty. Hee. Am I right? That IS what she Would say...fucking cunt. What was baby?, said the girl. Oh nothing baby...You Would say my fIcKliNG qEeN! You are so cute, he said. /whispers...More like...fuck, Iuck, cum. CLINGQUEEN! Fickling queen. Is a nothing but good for: fuck, luck, cum. And Being Cling Queens. Let me tell ya. I think...yeah I think I'd like to fuck, lady...lady luck. Because it was inevitable. So it was. So was lost...perfect. Perfect...floats away. Out of our reach. Yet no much how much we strive. All we do is strive. We do not do. We live. We strive. And no...I would not say, that we are only " trying ". We ArE Striving. And we Do so proudly. Because there I.S. a reason to live. And the Reason: There Reason is you. It I.S. Youu. We people...finally say. They SAY. They do NOT ASK! They SAY..." Hey. " Back. They acknologize. You. The once...unwritten. The Once upon a time...in a galaxy so far away. Yet so close. So. It was so. So you were here. She...She said, "Hey." She said, "Hey." to me... Did you see that? /sheepish grin. And as he dreams...he can almost taste...A slight...Subtle: taste of a lip...Hers to mine. But for now. I only must settle. For what I have. And what I have...is only: My lips. But I'll get hers one day...One day. One day...

So tomorrow then? Right bud? That would be cool wouldn't it...hey could you send me pictures?

Tomorrow? Ha. Ha. Ha. I can only hope... right?

Right. (Right...is not right. (in some situations. :P) He is ignorant.)

IT can:. It can be.: Today.

SEIZE THE DAY!

YOU CAN DO IT!

ALL you must do...is give it an ending worth mentioning. THAT IS THE STORY! Life I.S. the STORY. The story's name is....

YOU!

Youu.

Me.

We.

Watch M and W dance so....they are so beautiful together. It must have meant to be. Yeah...said Gale. It must have. And so...it WAS. WEEEEEEEEE! Isn't this fun? Said the pig...All. the. way. home. It is the JOURNEY. The Pig...wants to be EATEN. The APPLE. Wants. And Therefore NEEDS to be EATEN. WHY? BECAUSE IT WAS!

US...

I.

P.S. What has kept the " i "...you know? The SIGN for infinity... Yeah...it wanted to know. Wait, let me read his Memo. His note about...his. OH...what is that question. Oh yeah...here it is: Reason?

I told him "Because...

But for some reason....he wasn't satisfied. Something about, a difference in something, something or another. I forgot. But oh well. He said, "Why is the i not capitalized....in the computer. There...yeah I'm pretty sure...well right now it says, an E~R? here. But I'm being silly. That is just the smear. It says... /wax off. (wax on),' there is an error here. Because the upper case " i " looks EXACTLY like a lower cased l (L). And Quite frankly, God Damn , I... don't agree with that.'"

Error? An error? What is that? I have never heard of this before...

I have no clue Sir. It is foreign to I is well.

You are L?

What?

Y...Are: "=" L.

Huh? Oh... no. I am not just a lower case " L ". I am I. I am an upper case " i ". Duh.

What?

Never mind Sir...we have more pressing matters.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay?

Yes....Okay. Can we please focus here Captain?

Am I the Captain?

Idk...are you?

Idk?

Yeah...I. Don't. Know.

Oh!!! Lawl. Wake up.

?

You said Idk first...and then said I. Don't. Know. And THEN I got it.

You "don't. know. what?"?

What?

Never mind peon! Can we focus before I CHOP off your HEAD!

No! Not the Gum-Drop BUTTONS!

...

Anyway Sir. He says...that the lower case l (You) should be changed to something else...because right now as is... And he...well Sir, he isn't happy. He doesn't so much mind that, the lower case i is " i "...but he Does have suggestion as far as the upper case i. It is to make it bigger. Because he finds that he, and it...itself, well, that is should be more significant. You know...kinda stand out from the crowd....so to speak. Because...and this is his words Sir, "Quite Frankly... is feeling a little small right now...can we please make it bigger? Please...mom? dad? " He starting crying...it was kind of pathetic. I had to lol @ him. It was so sad...watching him suffer. He wanted to be bigger! Ha. Ha. Ha. WHO does he think he is? Such a kidder that One. That One guy. But anyone...But anywho...after all of the bullSHiT. (Macho-Bullshit. There is nothing macho...in fucking Asian Ninjas. But you know...for some reason. All you know is: Is that, Fucking Asian Ninjas. Are = Awesome. Lawl.) But He Is willing to settle however Sir. He said that the Upper most case could remain. It could remain as, "I". But...he had multiple notes as it turned out Sir. He is the next one. (Then...Time. mr.time. Ignorance of so. Get it? no.) He said, "God Damn it! Nothing Else can be Me! No MATTER, no matter!!!! No matter, WHAT! What-EVER. Is IN MY WAY...I WILL Conqueror! Much as it was meant for Purple to mean Royalty! I will Not let anything take my spot here. Where I am. NO-ONE(1) or/and NO-THING will be me. So Back off. I got this guys. I have my confidence that I have been searching for, for so long. And it is only NOW...that was THEN...and forever WILL be. That I accept this. I am WHO I AM! BECAUSE THAT IS .what. I AM! I am solid! I have fucking TWO " ( . ) " on MY " WHAT! " --- When you ask WHAT? I will simply SAY! .what.

.what.                    . . .             BITCH!(You)

" (  :) )  <--- I see an big white cake...with eyes...with a halo. Perfect. Lawl. But...that is just my perception. I can't help it. I. AM. = ME And quite frankly...ME = is flippin' Awesome! "

(I had a thought...and I was just waiting for the """ so I could move on...it Took forever though. Let me tell You.) (But it is over now...so TECHNICALLY. It was NoT forever.)(But you know what? The wait was worth . You know why? Because I made it MORE than what was before. I made special. I made it: BIG, I made it: DIFFERENT, AnD I made it FUCKING UNDERLINED. I Made = I made it my, " .what. " And sure...it could be bigger. Sure it could be a little more different. Maybe....I could have CIRCLED it. But I didn't. I Did...do this this however. I did that. I did everything I DID for a reason. I THAT IS why I FUCKING LOVE IT! I am happy. AND THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS! I have my " " " at the end of me. And my ", is Awesome! Because of what it means to me.)

*Back to scene* That's RIGHT. I got my woman. WHERE IS YOURS? Where is YOUR REASON! Mine is Right here. In HER eyes. ( . ) ( . )And there is Nothing you can do about it. (Titties. Always on the mind. That is why they are just so...Right.)((There he goes thinking about his OTHER head first...lawl. His penis...get it? I was talking about his head...on top? You know...the part with the eyes.)) (That's what she said. To what? The...head, on top thing. What? Nvm. Dude. What? Sweet. Sweet what? DUDE! WHAT? SWEET! SWEET WHAT? DUUDDUUEE!!....you see where this is going, don't you(know)? Infinite.) His....eyes? I(s). He finally defined...IS. Everything I.S. Because you know what he finally discovered? HIMSELF! It was in front of him this whole time...all he had to do, was open his eyes! Turn on the love! Hit the switch...hit the BUTTON. YES!!!! OH!!!! YES!!!!

HIT THE GUM-DROP BUTTON!

It is what he MOST desires.

 I concur sir...

What was my question?

That do I think...that this guy over there...is a little needy?

Oh, yes.

Why did you ask such a silly question again? ....Sir.

SILENCE!

Sooo....basically. *with a (?) like-sense.* ( Now kno.wn as = (?ish) )

I know...

But do you GET it?

No.

Otay.

sooooooooo....

Hmmmm....

mmmmmmm.....................(e) (He only forgot...but never fret. To YOU...his internal Existance...the time it takes for him to turn...the taste of "mmm" into the thought he is trying to answer. Which is, ME. It is only will be, only a line away...isn't HINDSIGHT AwEsOMe! I know! Right? I know...right? Surely....I do.....? He ask...(?ish)(ly) Queishly.

Yummy.

What?

These Gummies. They make me go..."Mmmmmmmm." And I don't know why.

WHAT? Gummies!? WHICH ONES!

These. Duh. On your desk. Were you saving them for later?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(And you ask...as the reader. Did he say, "No as in..." No, don't eat THESE gummies. Those are MY gummies." --- Or did he say, "No, as in...nah man. It's okay. You can have them....I gotta watch the gut, my ol' ball of chain(woman) wants me to cut back on the sweets."? You will never know...Because You. Don't. Know. Him. You. Are Ignorant. Sorry. Sorries guys, Fer Cereal.  All you know...is that He said, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" But you know where you fucked up? Instead of just Accepting fact. You HAD to ask....Why? When all you had to do was say, why. That is all the difference. That is isn't what makes fact, fact. It is , that makes it fact. Fact...is just a matter of perception.

The Forbidden Fruit. It was Eaten...and thus... = it I.S. so.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Get it?

no.

Then...(And hopefully it is today, not tomorrow. Because quite frankly...I'm tired of hearing tomorrow. Damn it...it WILL BE! I WILL BE. No matter how small I may seem. fact Me. I.S. NoT!

Me not be perfect...but I.S. I AM. = AWESOME. WHO?...is AWESOME? Do you EVEN have....did you? Did you ask? Why doubt me so?...to ponder ?

You think: ? (With a stamp out stamp) WHEN = THEN You SHOULD THINK: . I am just a man. Standing there. A brain. And a Spine to stand it on. I pedestal, if you will...may. Please? Understand...Just give me that? Please...that is ALL I want. Is to be. Is to be ... .

I leave you with...

Dude.

Dude...what?

Did you like my story? It was all about Me. Is that okay? It's okay if it's not okay. I don't mind. It is okay. Because it is okay. Really. It is. I mean...Dude. Like.... Like you don't EVEN KNOW. See...you are here....and I am here. No....no no, no no. You are there...and You am here. No. No. No.No. that wasn't it...I am here...and you...I mean, I....I mean. Yeah...Yeah that's it. Lawl. How silly of me. How did I forget that so quickly? That was weird....I mean. That was the WHOLE point wasn't it? Wait...I never finished my thought....Because I awoke before it could be finished. What did I mean? What was I saying right before....Right. Before. You. Forgot. The reason you ask...is because you Simply forgot. How silly we are. And God said, : "He will forever be lost in his own head. : And thus = ? is Created. And Thus = You are created. Your monster. Your obstacle. You own shoe laces on your OWN two feet...trip you up. Really? Did that Really...JUST happen. ?

He ask, Queishly.

Ignorance is Bliss. Never forget this...(child)

You have much to learn... And your teacher is this gentlemen over here...

mr. Me.

He will be subbing in for the mean time...for mr. time.

Thank you miss...what was it? Gale? Thank you Miss Gale...you are too kind. Coffee tomorrow before school? I'll pick you up at a quarter to seven? 6:45? Yeah sure babe. That works for me too. :)

He grabs his pencil down to check roll....he drops it. And just as the wind, from pencil drop, caused a speck of dust to fly off the desk into the abyss below....so was created a speck of granite. From the pencil that hit HEAD FIRST into the paper BECAME!

Thus.

i

Thus.

You.

Thus...

"

Thus...

= Happiness.

And you fall, for the infinitely first time again....

Is it, i? Is it, l? Is it 1? Is it I? Is it L? Is it...Life? I may never know...

"Come my friends, it is not too late to seek a newer world. For my purpose holds to sail beyond the sunset. And though, we are not that strength in which old days moved Earth and Heaven, that which we are we are. One equal temper of heroic hearts. Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will. To strive, to seek, to find. And not to yield."

Baby. Please, wake up...

Youu...are scaring me.

The rest is a story. Are you ready to play the game?

(Trade-Marked to Taylor Travis: All of this. "It is MY IDEA! I AM GOD! Lawl. Jk guys...)

Secret Books of Secrets

Hello person that is reading this, I'm Taylor Travis, the owner of this booklet. And if I'm not mistaken, you shouldn't be reading this. This book alone holds and will hold more: events, emotions, and thoughts during my life time. Some would call this a journal, but no, this is much more...it is parts of my life, the way I feel, and the way I see things. So if this, what you are reading, has gotten you more excited to read this booklet, I must warn you! Curiosity killed the cat, and curiosity is one of man's many strengths and many weaknesses. I must further warn you that not everything in this book you will like, whether it's profanity, rude comments, racist issues, gossip, thoughts, ideas, and the way I spell things, or simply the way I can't spell. So if you aren't comfortable with these conditions, stop reading. Even if you are comfortable, I still think you should stop. This is my way of "expressing" MY "feelings." Keyword -MY-, not yourself, so back-off. Well if you are still reading, I guess I can't stop you. But if I find you, there will be Hell to pay. Or I could just be right behind you at this very moment, watching you read this very sentence. Anywho, like I said, my name is, Taylor Travis. At this moment I'm 15 years old. I live in Cabot, Arkansas and I play football(fullback). The date is December the 6th 2006. Now starting out, I'm not sure whether to keep going on current events, and give you feedback as I go, or to catch you up from day 1. Or should this be just random notes? I can't decide right now.

I've decided; I'll give feedback as I go.

Do you ever get the feeling you are missing something? You just can't place it? It's there but you have No idea what it is. But this single thing, whatever it is, is making you sometimes depressed. You don't want to do anything, don't want to talk, play anything, it's just there...an empty feeling, I can't explain it but right now as I'm writing this it's there. Maybe it's more than one thing, maybe it's a lot of things. Maybe it's all of your emotions, that of: anger, sadness, and pain that you feel but do not express. Maybe it's the time that all of your bottled-emotions come out all at once. To be honesty that is probably what it is. But the feeling is so over-whelming, you can't think straight, you want to cry it all out. Again you don't know what it is, you can't put your finger on it. It's confusing, all you feel is lost in your own head, lost of everything. I admit that I can't "express my feelings", but do you know the truth? I really don't know my own feelings. Except...blank. When I'm put on the spot with a question about how I feel or how I stand on a certain subject (the question is usually asked by my step-dad, C.B.) I come to a blank. He gets sort of mad at me, that I don't say anything, that I just "stare into space." I know he is waiting for an answer...but what do I say? At this point I don't know what to do...again I'm at a blank. I might not be very good at saying how I feel, but I listen intensively. CB says when I don't answer, that I am scared to say how I feel, but he just doesn't get it...I don't know what to say! I don't know how I feel, how can I "express myself" if I don't know where I stand? This doesn't mean to say that I have no clue on anything, it's just that I go blank. He ask questions I would have thought about. I am confused on Many things, even so much that I can't explain things right, I sometimes even contradict myself. You as the reader are either thinking, "Wow, this guy is a nut-case", or "Aww, poor baby" or "get this guy a shrink..." Well --- What can I say? So many things or situations, countless instances that build up to this "episodes" of depression - Just mixed emotions bottled up. I just forget about them - but they don't forget about me. So much little crap I've taken and did nothing about and then - BOOM! The reason I can't handle them, or the reason "I" can't handle them is that...I don't know what they are or where they come from. I know I've already said that, but you don't understand, that's how I feel. I seem to have to say something multiple times for it to have the whole effect. But I will tell you one thing..me just writing this, like this, I feel a little better. But before I started writing, my mom said that I was making her "feel guilty" about me just moping around. Man if she only read this...I half  want her to not read this, and half do(want to see how she reacts) But once again...the feeling. You feel bored, you're hot, want to cry it out, don't want to talk, you feel...dead. Emotionless, except all that is left is --- Numbness. Confusion. And a feeling that you want to be mad at something, but "what?" is the question. You want to think of why you feel this way, but the feeling takes you over your conscience. All that there is, "---------------------------------------------"

You know --- sometimes I feel like I wouldn't care if I died or not right now. I'm not saying I'll commit suicide, but if, -If- there is a needed sacrifice, I'll take it. What is there to lose? I go to a better place, a place I don't have to live in a pathetic world like this, a world that is slowly, but surely turning to pure chaos. There IS a God, no doubt...it is Jesus Christ. My Lord and Savior. I'm not a "religious person". I don't go to church often, but I know of God. I believe in God. He knew what the world was going to change into, he planned it this way, but he planned it this way to show us a great lesson. It is one of the unanswered questions I am afraid. But it will be the greatest lesson ever known. The only reason the world will be turned into a living Hell, is because WE made it that way. We screwed it up in the beginning. We pay the price at the end. We were going to have a perfect world, but he gave us...lesser beings than He, the power of choice. And we had to FUCK it up! We buried our own graves for when the Devil comes. But God gave us another option, Heaven. A place of the perfect world, and only the worthy will go! I'm not saying that I am worthy, but I hope that I am. The reason we are here...I believe it is a test, a test of whether or not you are worthy to be in the eyes of God in heaven. If you are worthy enough for a perfect place. But again God knew that we weren't perfect; so he let Jesus die for our sins. So that we are free of them, and that we will be worthy. All that is not worthy will have to face the wraith of God. The wraith to stay on this earth with Satin leading the way. Oh what a Hell! God's wraith is the Devil in essence. It's the fact that you are not with the one who created you. And not being with your Savior. Your Lord! Your God! I have nothing more to say, no more than that you ~still~ shouldn't be reading this. (Well...I guess it is okay.) Muwhahahahaha! God's speed, and catch ya laterz.

Here is a word of insight - I will only write in this when I have something to say. I hate people who talk to be talking, just for attention. And most of the time I'll write in this when I am feeling "down." This is one of those moments no doubt. I just got finished watching a movie with my mom that she borrowed from a friend. It was a chick flick, she made everyone watch it. What I was mad about was that I had to do the dishes (by my calculations I've done the dishes 3x in a row, I haven't seen anyone else do them. But the others were having to do laundry, so it came down to me). I know it is stupid. Or some people would think (mom and cb) that it was a real crappy way to think. That it wasn't a big deal - well honestly it wasn't. It just started the chain reaction. Usually the person who does the dishes(Trust me I have a point! Keep reading) has to clean off the counters after-hand. But Mr. Helper-Helpington (Garrett)...to me trying his best to get attention by cleaning everything did this for me. I'm not complaining that he did my work. But he is a doormat sometimes, a suck-up. And it Really gets on my nerves. Once again, I'm probably wrong, someone would say...But to me, that is what it looked like to me. After that, I started cleaning(mom was getting onto people about not helping around the house), CB was cooking soup(Very tasty). After everything was clean in the kitchen, and the living room...mom told everyone to grab blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags. We were to watch a movie!(sarcasm) Which I didn't want to, because all the while of cleaning, washing dishes, and all of that. I was just wanting to go play some WoW. Once again, I can just hear CB say, "You lazy piece of shit, you can't find it within yourself to get off that damn game for one second" (or something to that effect, he would probably say it more eloquently to make me feel even worse). But in truth, I see myself as lazy. But also that I have a mysterious, unknown side as well. I just want to play the game...I'm feeling lazy after working my ass off, I'm tired, and sort of in my "depression mode." It's just not a good combination. I didn't get an attitude though, I was just like "Blah". The 1st few minutes into the movie I was just like, "Omg please turn it off. I really didn't want to watch it. But the thing I hate the most is that I ended up liking it...I wanted so bad to have it just because I felt bad. I wanted to get back at my mom in my head ---the fact that I didn't like the family "activity". But I did like it. I feel stupid now that I look back, I love my mom and CB, I truly do! --- But sometimes...I feel....I feel like I don't want any attention. Like I'm not "sociable", but somewhere in there...I want ALL the attention in the world. But I hold back from getting it. Because again, I hate people who get and want attention for the sake of getting attention. I do good things...but I don't get praised about them, I've done so many good things, you know I am a "good boy", or a good "kid". So when I do, do good...no one cares. Or they don't really show any acknowledgment of it. But when I do something bad...when Taylor does bad, I get, "Taylor...I am really disappointed in you." It gets on my nerves. All I want is a little praise. You know? Like 5 minutes of quality time, with just all the reminders of the good things I've done. Mainly I want it to be my mom. I just want to be hugged... Just held seriously for once. And told that I am loved. That's all. Maybe me writing this book, was/is my way of getting attention. Maybe I'm writing for all of the attention that I want (I won't lie...yes I am crying)(Not funny...notice the smears on the page?) I'm not good at expressing my feelings with verbal words. But it doesn't mean that they aren't there! But it does mean that no one will know my feelings. Is that my fault? That I don't have the balls to say how I feel? Looks that way. Sucks for me. But when I die, I want to leave something behind. THIS maybe...to get back at people. Which in truth as I'm writing and looking back, I didn't want to get people back. -Just attention- Everyone needs a little- Some encouragement. THAT'S ALL I WANT! THAT'S ALL! The thing that kills me the most, is not knowing if other feel this way. I half hope people do, and half don't. I do because I want to talk to people...and share these feelings. And part of my doesn't want them to, because I want to feel special. Being special. Attention. But I'm not special. I just want to be...........

Okay, a lot has happened since my last entry. It's been at least 3 months, I just finished reading what I've already wrote. It's pretty good, pretty good. Well I've had a few "down" moments since the last one I wrote but I was never around the booklet to write anything. So I just didn't. But let me fill in the blanks. Ok, first school is over, it is July 6th. CB and mom finally broke up. I'm not saying that is a good thing, trust me. It fucking sucks. But I haven't felt the full force of it until recently. See my mom makes divorcing threats every few weeks to CB.They would fight, verbally. CB never has ever touched my mom. CB isn't a bad guy. My mom is crazy. I'll get to CB in a minute. We(CB and mom) were trying to get a house 1 year ago, it was a double-wide trailer, a very nice house actually. But the company fucked us over. The foundation is all wrong, holes, cracks, wrong accessories, all that jazz. So after all of their fighting...mom gets the bright idea to move into a camper. Which hasn't been my first time, I've lived in a camper for 2 1/2 years before. And we move it out onto the house's land and live in it until the house gets fixed, if it ever does...We have 2 acres, a house, a camper, and an old barn that needs major fixing up - but - it's promising. So all this last week we have been moving all of our stuff to the new house, can you say, "what a blast?" My mom complains about money, a lot. Here is the thing... She is a nurse at St. Vincent's. She has been there for 17 years. She works normally 12 hour shifts, 2 days a week on the weekend. That's it. And yet...she complains about money. Well you know what I say? Work more days...Normal people work 40 hours, and here she is sitting with 24. And she calls CB a lazy piece of shit? Bullshit. I've worked with CB before, he does Vinyl siding. And I'll tell you, it is a harder job than working 2 nights as a nurse. He works 5, 8-10 hour days, all year around when there is work. When he isn't working...he is a "lazy piece of shit." She calls him a parasite. Which isn't true. CB is a good and great man. He has taught me so many things. He has opened my eyes to so many things I didn't see before.My mom thinks everyone owes her something and she doesn't owe anything. The whole situation is insane.

"Grow up!" "Be a man!" "Grow a sack!" "Be responsible!" --- RHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! God it is such bullshit! Maybe I don't want to grow up, maybe I can't grow up. Maybe I still want to be a kid, you know? "The world isn't fair." Maybe I haven't grown up because I haven't been a kid yet. Maybe...I just don't fucking know. I feel lost in the world. I feel that no one cares about me...there is no one to talk to that will understand. Even I don't understand. I'm not in control of my life. I don't have a life. Everything is so routine. No freedom! School - Football - Homework - repeat - and then the occasional verbal chewing because I did something wrong. No "congratulations" or "good jobs". None that mean anything. SO MUCH PRESSURE! Is it even there? I don't say anything because all I will get is, "STOP BEING A PUSSY!" "GROW UP TAYLOR" "TOO BAD" "WORLD ISN'T FAIR." They don't care...but I want them to. You know I am the quiet type. You know the one who bottles everything up. That I will commit suicide or go on some insane killing spree because I snapped 30 years from now. Maybe I need therapy. Maybe this IS therapy. I bottle things up and they just hit me in a wave of emotion. I'm so confused. I don't know WHO I am. I can't express myself at all. I keep to myself, I'm "shy." My head is just full of clouds most of the time. I'm zoned-out. I make good grades, but all I get is a "Woo" reaction, and that is it. An occasional, routine, "I'm proud of you." But I don't hear any sentimental love. Nothing that touches my heart. I'm confused. Is it just me who feels like this? Does everybody? I sure don't see them like this! I've got so many problems, so many little things that nag at me. I bottle it up, don't think a thing about it. Few days...I feel depressed. And lately it's been getting worse. I've cried so much these last 2 weeks. Just crying and not knowing why. The pain I feel is hidden...I feel it, but I don't know why.Whenever I'm put on the spot about something about how I feel. I go blank. . . . . . ."Well what do you think? Blank. . . . . . ."Well?". . . . . .I don't care, just Leave ME the Fuck Alone. Even though I have an opinion, I don't know it. You don;t know the feeling of yourself not knowing how you feel about something. I'm starting to repeat myself. I don't know why, I just can't seem to clear the clouds. I just want to cry...and cry...and cry. "PUSSY!", FUCK YOU! - - - - ARGGGGGGGadskfndsgbshdigskjdfnsdjsjd.

I'm losing it. Going insane and I don't know why. I feel like crap one day, and the next I'm as happy as a jay bird. But lately...the bird has been dead. I've just been depressed. I Just Don't Care anymore. I Don't Know Why. I Am Alone. Pressure, Pressure.
-SCHOOL                                      Going insane
-FOOTBALL                                 Losing it
-DRIVING                                      Lost
-GRADES                                       Alone
-BEING RESPONSIBLE              Pain
-BEING PERFECT!                      Depression

PRESSURE
STRESS
EXPECTATIONS
I DON'T CARE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I love but I can't express it. Do you know how that feels?
Knowing but not knowing how to tell, or even explain why you know or care.

Ok I've thought about it, of why I am so unhappy. It's very complex. I'll try my best to explain. In doing this, it will further help me understand myself. It's just where to begin... I have a general idea of why I am the way I am. But here goes a lot. 
-I want...no I Need attention.
-I want to be special - Hey guess what? I'm not.
-*Pause* I just want a hug. Somebody who cares about the shit I put up with.
-It wouldn't be a big deal if I'd deal with the issues when they happen. But I don't. I bottle them up, and then let them explode in my face.
-I want to let people know how I feel because I want attention because I don't feel like I get enough. I feel alone in this world.
-People have different ways of expressing themselves, some more healthier than others...Some are hot-tempered and explode on the spot. They get it all out then and there.
-Then you have people who take it out on innocent people just because they were there at the wrong time.
-Then there is me, bottling it up --> wave of emotion of all sorts --->confusion...blah blah blah, you've heard this before. All old shit...nobody cares, I'm just being "a bitch about it", and "complaining"...that I have "sand in my pussy." E t c, e t c.

Life 
You are born into a life that is always changing,
So fast sometimes that you can't keep up,
So fast that nobody takes the time to care,
"Everyone has problems, so deal with yours."
A life that expects so much,
Can "you" deal with it?
You say stop...wait up. Let me have a moment of rest.
Relentless...
Next minute you are left behind, you're weak.
You have given up, you are a quitter...
Expect so much, get so little.
The simple things in life...
So great, so plain...so perfect.
Why can't things be easy? Be sane?

Void
What do you call a hole you cannot fill?
How does it feel? To have this hole you cannot sill?
What would you do to fill this hole? Even kill?
How do you feel about this hole you cannot trace?
How about a hole that you cannot place?
A black hole fills your heart will bottled-hate.
When will it bust? When will the pressure break?
"Oh he is a quiet one..." But what they don't know,
Is that your hate is climbing with an amazing rate.
You finally break...you leave hundreds dead in your wake.
Your life is over...your life is through.
It is over, in one single, "Boom!"
 
Vent
You could...
Scream
Fight
bite
yell
cry
push
shove
pull
love
cut
listen
talk
laugh
stare
sleep
drink
or just fucking die and get it all over with.

"My favorite feeling, is the feeling of hot tears streaming down my face, and the sorrow being washed away."

I want
to love
attention
to not care
to feel alive
to cry
to scream
a hug
to talk
to have a friend
to understand
to express
revenge
simple things
people to chill the fuck out
to be special
to be cuddled
to cuddle someone else
to be worthy to someone else
to smell and feel the hair of my partner
to be left alone
to be cleared
to fill this hole
people to understand
to be free
to have fun
to just live
to not live someone else's life
to joke
to mean something to someone
to know
to have
to flirt
to have the will
peace
to feel
something worth wanting for
to wash away all of the suffering
to be heard.

Freaked out yet? All this stuff...I'm not lying. Didn't think I was this way? Didn't think this is how my life is? Well, you guessed wrong. All of this was hidden, but I didn't want it to be. Didn't think I was this "sensitive"? (Btw, I'm not gay by any means. Just wanted to clear that up, Fuckers.) Now to cry myself to sleep. Night...

I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't care...or I stopped caring when I thought no one cared about me anymore. "Oh I love you", but they didn't show it. I don't, "feel the love." I get my ass chewed off for not standing up against my mom about her being wrong and treating the boys wrong. I'm now a coward, a girl...because I bottle everything up. I'm a dog for not standing up for what I'm supposed to believe in. WOW --- doesn't that just help my self-esteem. I've gone from being a good man when I grow up to being a complete disappointment. All in about 3 seconds.
I don't have fucking motivation for anything anymore. How am I supposed to "be a man" and care about other people...when nobody cares about ME? "I love you." BULLSHIT! You sure as hell don't show it. --- What about me? I don't even know what to say anymore... All I hear, when I'm supposed to be standing up for how I feel is: 
STOP
BEING
A
PUSSY!

FUCK. YOU.
ARGG! JUST DIE!

I simply hate you.

Just care about me...

But noooo. I'm wrong, for feeling is way. I shouldn't be so selfish. You just want attention.

***CLICK!***

Duh. It's not like I am getting it anyway. If this is how being a "man" is supposed to feel...Wait. I can't feel that way, you know why?

Because apparently I'm not one.

Being a man, you are supposed to have responsibilities...but to feel that no one cares? That can't be right. I can't live like this... I'm only 16. How I'm supposed to care if no one cares for me? Now that is a "Double Standard."

*Insert the, "You are wrong speech", here. How about the, "You are selfish or pussy speech?"


I want to care, I really do. You have to understand that I do. But I need more than = Negative Support.


"Maybe if you would just change and stop being a..." What? A PUSSY? MAYBE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO EVERYONE? Is that what you were going to say again? Well I'm Fucking sorry.


You want me to end YOUR suffering? Am I just that big of a burden? Sorry that I am a waste of space and that I am an inconvenience to you.

Maybe I am a pussy...a disappointment...everything that you say that I am. Just maybe...


Maybe it's ALL my fault. Maybe if it just wasn't for me. 


Maybe if I just hadn't been a fucking """SURPRISE""".

Everything would just be better without that Taylor Lee Travis.




Dad, I love you. You are the only one whoever got the point across that I mean anything to you. And for that alone, I love you. I really and truly mean that(as a tear rolls down my cheek and a smile spreads across my face). Even though you can be an asshole sometimes. :P Jokes. I just want someone to care, a friend to talk to, and not about all of that Macho shit. To be able to cry with and Not be ashamed. Someone to open up to. Someone to listen. Someone that will talk to me.


You know, I was never good at that game, "Life."


Ever see the movie Tom and Huck? Where Tom "dies" and everyone thinks he is dead, and he gets to see his own funeral...Well I want to do that. Put up a sign that reads: "Don't cry if it isn't sincere, and if you are just here for the inheritance...just leave." I would love to see the reaction.


-Side Note- I wish I was one of those people that can read people, and to be able to call out all of there insecurities, fears, and past failures...just to be able to rub it in their face and make them feel like shit. (Catch the sarcasm?)


"Oh God, another poem."


I'm Sorry.
I'm not perfect.
I am who I want to be.
I am no one else, but I've made my mistakes.
I am only human.
I am sorry for being selfish.
I am sorry for not always being there for support.
I am sorry that I never had you to cry with.
I am sorry that I never let anything out.
I am sorry for not understanding.
I am sorry for never saying "I love you" enough...
I am sorry that I never showed you how much I really do care.
I am sorry that I couldn't take away all of the pain.
I am sorry.


Am I a fake? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Do I not stand up for what I believe in? Am I afraid of confrontation? Am I afraid to speak my mind? Am I afraid of failure because it would give another reason for people to Hate me more or to make them think I'm a failure or that it'll make me feel worse about myself? Am I quiet? Am I confused? Do I think I have to be perfect for anyone to love me? Am I perfect? Do I have faults? Why do people not just rid of me? It is soo simple, isn't it? Does anyone think anything positive of me? Do they show it? Am I even worth this pen and paper? Am I sulking because I have the right? or is it that I just feel picked on? Do I think I am rambling or does what I'm writing matter to Anyone? Do people think I'm in any pain? Do they care? Why do people when they actually realize I'm there, rely on me for anything, when they know I'm just going to Fuck things up? Or in some way be disappointed in me? Are they any feelings left for me? Can't I feel without people calling me a "pussy" or telling me to stop being such a "victim?" Am I that easy to read? Do people just think I'm a pussy/dick/asshole/inconsiderate/freak/manipulator/attention hog/girl/etc? Why is it that when I try to get some light of attention, that I get quickly labeled as a disappointment because I'm now being like my sisters, attention hogs? Why? Huh? Answer that fucking question...Can't I get some attention without being called that, or without someone telling me, "I can't believe you would stoop to that level." 

ALL I'm hearing is that you only "love" me when I'm not around or being invisible, and not talking.


Once again, I've read what I have written and I want to make things clear. I write what I write to not cause more problems. This book is to explain the way I am and how I feel. Let this book be a reliever and not a corrupter to ruin my relationships with anyone else.


This book might be filled with the impression that one day that I will kill myself...don't worry, I've pondered it already. I will never do it, so you need not worry. I also want to point out that I do not "abuse" my body in anyway...nor anyone else's. 


This book tells of the feelings I have when I break. This isn't how I feel 24/7. And when I do feel like this...every emotion is amplified 10x fold.


I have recently told a friend of these emotions and come to find out that he has similar feelings. He is moving to Texas soon, and he wrote me a good-bye letter containing his thoughts of me and some concerns he has had of our friendship. I responded and we found out that we have more in common than we first thought. He is a true friend. And we've decided that we can talk about anything together and I'll tell you one thing...being able to do that has lifted some weight off of my shoulders. I have also taken the first step with another friend in writing him a similar letter. I hope it works out.


*For anyone who has problems, I do suggest talking about them to someone you can trust. It does help, and makes you feel a lot better afterward.


Anyone have a fucked up family?...I'll try to explain to the best of my ability.


My mom and dad had me. They were never married. Mom broke up with him ---> few months later, got together with my first step-dad. He already had 2 older boys(than me). Dad 2.0 and my mom had my two sisters. Fast-forward 6ish years. Divorce ---> 4 years just my mom, 2 sisters, and myself. A lot of boyfriends. Met CB. He has two boys(younger than me). They've been together since 2001, it's June 24th 2007 today. (Greatly simplified)


I try to joke about it with my friends about my messed up family tree. They think it's funny, but it's Really not.


You know how many fights I've been through? Think about that...


You know how many yelling, screaming fights I've seen? How many pushes...My crying near by just being "invisible" as always. Doesn't it just make you feel all Good inside? All nice and toasty...I Fucking love it.


And they tell me to grow up...


STOP FIGHTING! I CAN'T STAND IT!


Up until now (3 months ago), I have been writing in this book with a pretty steady pace. But now...I don't have to. I have found someone I can talk to freely, without being judged. And basically(most, not all) things that I have said from page 1 has been fixed.


I hope this book has shone some light on my life, or how it used to be.


I'd like to leave you with something Epic, but I am a simple person. If the book helped you in anyway, I am glad. :) If not...you have already been fixed, so again, I'm glad. I know it would be a lot more impressive if the book was full...what whatev.


Like I said, something epic...

Happiness is the key to life.