Hello person that is reading this, I'm Taylor Travis, the owner of this booklet. And if I'm not mistaken, you shouldn't be reading this. This book alone holds and will hold more: events, emotions, and thoughts during my life time. Some would call this a journal, but no, this is much more...it is parts of my life, the way I feel, and the way I see things. So if this, what you are reading, has gotten you more excited to read this booklet, I must warn you! Curiosity killed the cat, and curiosity is one of man's many strengths and many weaknesses. I must further warn you that not everything in this book you will like, whether it's profanity, rude comments, racist issues, gossip, thoughts, ideas, and the way I spell things, or simply the way I can't spell. So if you aren't comfortable with these conditions, stop reading. Even if you are comfortable, I still think you should stop. This is my way of "expressing" MY "feelings." Keyword -MY-, not yourself, so back-off. Well if you are still reading, I guess I can't stop you. But if I find you, there will be Hell to pay. Or I could just be right behind you at this very moment, watching you read this very sentence. Anywho, like I said, my name is, Taylor Travis. At this moment I'm 15 years old. I live in Cabot, Arkansas and I play football(fullback). The date is December the 6th 2006. Now starting out, I'm not sure whether to keep going on current events, and give you feedback as I go, or to catch you up from day 1. Or should this be just random notes? I can't decide right now.
I've decided; I'll give feedback as I go.
Do you ever get the feeling you are missing something? You just can't place it? It's there but you have No idea what it is. But this single thing, whatever it is, is making you sometimes depressed. You don't want to do anything, don't want to talk, play anything, it's just there...an empty feeling, I can't explain it but right now as I'm writing this it's there. Maybe it's more than one thing, maybe it's a lot of things. Maybe it's all of your emotions, that of: anger, sadness, and pain that you feel but do not express. Maybe it's the time that all of your bottled-emotions come out all at once. To be honesty that is probably what it is. But the feeling is so over-whelming, you can't think straight, you want to cry it all out. Again you don't know what it is, you can't put your finger on it. It's confusing, all you feel is lost in your own head, lost of everything. I admit that I can't "express my feelings", but do you know the truth? I really don't know my own feelings. Except...blank. When I'm put on the spot with a question about how I feel or how I stand on a certain subject (the question is usually asked by my step-dad, C.B.) I come to a blank. He gets sort of mad at me, that I don't say anything, that I just "stare into space." I know he is waiting for an answer...but what do I say? At this point I don't know what to do...again I'm at a blank. I might not be very good at saying how I feel, but I listen intensively. CB says when I don't answer, that I am scared to say how I feel, but he just doesn't get it...I don't know what to say! I don't know how I feel, how can I "express myself" if I don't know where I stand? This doesn't mean to say that I have no clue on anything, it's just that I go blank. He ask questions I would have thought about. I am confused on Many things, even so much that I can't explain things right, I sometimes even contradict myself. You as the reader are either thinking, "Wow, this guy is a nut-case", or "Aww, poor baby" or "get this guy a shrink..." Well --- What can I say? So many things or situations, countless instances that build up to this "episodes" of depression - Just mixed emotions bottled up. I just forget about them - but they don't forget about me. So much little crap I've taken and did nothing about and then - BOOM! The reason I can't handle them, or the reason "I" can't handle them is that...I don't know what they are or where they come from. I know I've already said that, but you don't understand, that's how I feel. I seem to have to say something multiple times for it to have the whole effect. But I will tell you one thing..me just writing this, like this, I feel a little better. But before I started writing, my mom said that I was making her "feel guilty" about me just moping around. Man if she only read this...I half want her to not read this, and half do(want to see how she reacts) But once again...the feeling. You feel bored, you're hot, want to cry it out, don't want to talk, you feel...dead. Emotionless, except all that is left is --- Numbness. Confusion. And a feeling that you want to be mad at something, but "what?" is the question. You want to think of why you feel this way, but the feeling takes you over your conscience. All that there is, "---------------------------------------------"
You know --- sometimes I feel like I wouldn't care if I died or not right now. I'm not saying I'll commit suicide, but if, -If- there is a needed sacrifice, I'll take it. What is there to lose? I go to a better place, a place I don't have to live in a pathetic world like this, a world that is slowly, but surely turning to pure chaos. There IS a God, no doubt...it is Jesus Christ. My Lord and Savior. I'm not a "religious person". I don't go to church often, but I know of God. I believe in God. He knew what the world was going to change into, he planned it this way, but he planned it this way to show us a great lesson. It is one of the unanswered questions I am afraid. But it will be the greatest lesson ever known. The only reason the world will be turned into a living Hell, is because WE made it that way. We screwed it up in the beginning. We pay the price at the end. We were going to have a perfect world, but he gave us...lesser beings than He, the power of choice. And we had to FUCK it up! We buried our own graves for when the Devil comes. But God gave us another option, Heaven. A place of the perfect world, and only the worthy will go! I'm not saying that I am worthy, but I hope that I am. The reason we are here...I believe it is a test, a test of whether or not you are worthy to be in the eyes of God in heaven. If you are worthy enough for a perfect place. But again God knew that we weren't perfect; so he let Jesus die for our sins. So that we are free of them, and that we will be worthy. All that is not worthy will have to face the wraith of God. The wraith to stay on this earth with Satin leading the way. Oh what a Hell! God's wraith is the Devil in essence. It's the fact that you are not with the one who created you. And not being with your Savior. Your Lord! Your God! I have nothing more to say, no more than that you ~still~ shouldn't be reading this. (Well...I guess it is okay.) Muwhahahahaha! God's speed, and catch ya laterz.
Here is a word of insight - I will only write in this when I have something to say. I hate people who talk to be talking, just for attention. And most of the time I'll write in this when I am feeling "down." This is one of those moments no doubt. I just got finished watching a movie with my mom that she borrowed from a friend. It was a chick flick, she made everyone watch it. What I was mad about was that I had to do the dishes (by my calculations I've done the dishes 3x in a row, I haven't seen anyone else do them. But the others were having to do laundry, so it came down to me). I know it is stupid. Or some people would think (mom and cb) that it was a real crappy way to think. That it wasn't a big deal - well honestly it wasn't. It just started the chain reaction. Usually the person who does the dishes(Trust me I have a point! Keep reading) has to clean off the counters after-hand. But Mr. Helper-Helpington (Garrett)...to me trying his best to get attention by cleaning everything did this for me. I'm not complaining that he did my work. But he is a doormat sometimes, a suck-up. And it Really gets on my nerves. Once again, I'm probably wrong, someone would say...But to me, that is what it looked like to me. After that, I started cleaning(mom was getting onto people about not helping around the house), CB was cooking soup(Very tasty). After everything was clean in the kitchen, and the living room...mom told everyone to grab blankets, pillows, and sleeping bags. We were to watch a movie!(sarcasm) Which I didn't want to, because all the while of cleaning, washing dishes, and all of that. I was just wanting to go play some WoW. Once again, I can just hear CB say, "You lazy piece of shit, you can't find it within yourself to get off that damn game for one second" (or something to that effect, he would probably say it more eloquently to make me feel even worse). But in truth, I see myself as lazy. But also that I have a mysterious, unknown side as well. I just want to play the game...I'm feeling lazy after working my ass off, I'm tired, and sort of in my "depression mode." It's just not a good combination. I didn't get an attitude though, I was just like "Blah". The 1st few minutes into the movie I was just like, "Omg please turn it off. I really didn't want to watch it. But the thing I hate the most is that I ended up liking it...I wanted so bad to have it just because I felt bad. I wanted to get back at my mom in my head ---the fact that I didn't like the family "activity". But I did like it. I feel stupid now that I look back, I love my mom and CB, I truly do! --- But sometimes...I feel....I feel like I don't want any attention. Like I'm not "sociable", but somewhere in there...I want ALL the attention in the world. But I hold back from getting it. Because again, I hate people who get and want attention for the sake of getting attention. I do good things...but I don't get praised about them, I've done so many good things, you know I am a "good boy", or a good "kid". So when I do, do good...no one cares. Or they don't really show any acknowledgment of it. But when I do something bad...when Taylor does bad, I get, "Taylor...I am really disappointed in you." It gets on my nerves. All I want is a little praise. You know? Like 5 minutes of quality time, with just all the reminders of the good things I've done. Mainly I want it to be my mom. I just want to be hugged... Just held seriously for once. And told that I am loved. That's all. Maybe me writing this book, was/is my way of getting attention. Maybe I'm writing for all of the attention that I want (I won't lie...yes I am crying)(Not funny...notice the smears on the page?) I'm not good at expressing my feelings with verbal words. But it doesn't mean that they aren't there! But it does mean that no one will know my feelings. Is that my fault? That I don't have the balls to say how I feel? Looks that way. Sucks for me. But when I die, I want to leave something behind. THIS maybe...to get back at people. Which in truth as I'm writing and looking back, I didn't want to get people back. -Just attention- Everyone needs a little- Some encouragement. THAT'S ALL I WANT! THAT'S ALL! The thing that kills me the most, is not knowing if other feel this way. I half hope people do, and half don't. I do because I want to talk to people...and share these feelings. And part of my doesn't want them to, because I want to feel special. Being special. Attention. But I'm not special. I just want to be...........
Okay, a lot has happened since my last entry. It's been at least 3 months, I just finished reading what I've already wrote. It's pretty good, pretty good. Well I've had a few "down" moments since the last one I wrote but I was never around the booklet to write anything. So I just didn't. But let me fill in the blanks. Ok, first school is over, it is July 6th. CB and mom finally broke up. I'm not saying that is a good thing, trust me. It fucking sucks. But I haven't felt the full force of it until recently. See my mom makes divorcing threats every few weeks to CB.They would fight, verbally. CB never has ever touched my mom. CB isn't a bad guy. My mom is crazy. I'll get to CB in a minute. We(CB and mom) were trying to get a house 1 year ago, it was a double-wide trailer, a very nice house actually. But the company fucked us over. The foundation is all wrong, holes, cracks, wrong accessories, all that jazz. So after all of their fighting...mom gets the bright idea to move into a camper. Which hasn't been my first time, I've lived in a camper for 2 1/2 years before. And we move it out onto the house's land and live in it until the house gets fixed, if it ever does...We have 2 acres, a house, a camper, and an old barn that needs major fixing up - but - it's promising. So all this last week we have been moving all of our stuff to the new house, can you say, "what a blast?" My mom complains about money, a lot. Here is the thing... She is a nurse at St. Vincent's. She has been there for 17 years. She works normally 12 hour shifts, 2 days a week on the weekend. That's it. And yet...she complains about money. Well you know what I say? Work more days...Normal people work 40 hours, and here she is sitting with 24. And she calls CB a lazy piece of shit? Bullshit. I've worked with CB before, he does Vinyl siding. And I'll tell you, it is a harder job than working 2 nights as a nurse. He works 5, 8-10 hour days, all year around when there is work. When he isn't working...he is a "lazy piece of shit." She calls him a parasite. Which isn't true. CB is a good and great man. He has taught me so many things. He has opened my eyes to so many things I didn't see before.My mom thinks everyone owes her something and she doesn't owe anything. The whole situation is insane.
"Grow up!" "Be a man!" "Grow a sack!" "Be responsible!" --- RHAAAAAAAAA!!!!! God it is such bullshit! Maybe I don't want to grow up, maybe I can't grow up. Maybe I still want to be a kid, you know? "The world isn't fair." Maybe I haven't grown up because I haven't been a kid yet. Maybe...I just don't fucking know. I feel lost in the world. I feel that no one cares about me...there is no one to talk to that will understand. Even I don't understand. I'm not in control of my life. I don't have a life. Everything is so routine. No freedom! School - Football - Homework - repeat - and then the occasional verbal chewing because I did something wrong. No "congratulations" or "good jobs". None that mean anything. SO MUCH PRESSURE! Is it even there? I don't say anything because all I will get is, "STOP BEING A PUSSY!" "GROW UP TAYLOR" "TOO BAD" "WORLD ISN'T FAIR." They don't care...but I want them to. You know I am the quiet type. You know the one who bottles everything up. That I will commit suicide or go on some insane killing spree because I snapped 30 years from now. Maybe I need therapy. Maybe this IS therapy. I bottle things up and they just hit me in a wave of emotion. I'm so confused. I don't know WHO I am. I can't express myself at all. I keep to myself, I'm "shy." My head is just full of clouds most of the time. I'm zoned-out. I make good grades, but all I get is a "Woo" reaction, and that is it. An occasional, routine, "I'm proud of you." But I don't hear any sentimental love. Nothing that touches my heart. I'm confused. Is it just me who feels like this? Does everybody? I sure don't see them like this! I've got so many problems, so many little things that nag at me. I bottle it up, don't think a thing about it. Few days...I feel depressed. And lately it's been getting worse. I've cried so much these last 2 weeks. Just crying and not knowing why. The pain I feel is hidden...I feel it, but I don't know why.Whenever I'm put on the spot about something about how I feel. I go blank. . . . . . ."Well what do you think? Blank. . . . . . ."Well?". . . . . .I don't care, just Leave ME the Fuck Alone. Even though I have an opinion, I don't know it. You don;t know the feeling of yourself not knowing how you feel about something. I'm starting to repeat myself. I don't know why, I just can't seem to clear the clouds. I just want to cry...and cry...and cry. "PUSSY!", FUCK YOU! - - - - ARGGGGGGGadskfndsgbshdigskjdfnsdjsjd.
I'm losing it. Going insane and I don't know why. I feel like crap one day, and the next I'm as happy as a jay bird. But lately...the bird has been dead. I've just been depressed. I Just Don't Care anymore. I Don't Know Why. I Am Alone. Pressure, Pressure.
-SCHOOL Going insane
-FOOTBALL Losing it
-DRIVING Lost
-GRADES Alone
-BEING RESPONSIBLE Pain
-BEING PERFECT! Depression
PRESSURE
STRESS
EXPECTATIONS
I DON'T CARE AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I love but I can't express it. Do you know how that feels?
Knowing but not knowing how to tell, or even explain why you know or care.
Ok I've thought about it, of why I am so unhappy. It's very complex. I'll try my best to explain. In doing this, it will further help me understand myself. It's just where to begin... I have a general idea of why I am the way I am. But here goes a lot.
-I want...no I Need attention.
-I want to be special - Hey guess what? I'm not.
-*Pause* I just want a hug. Somebody who cares about the shit I put up with.
-It wouldn't be a big deal if I'd deal with the issues when they happen. But I don't. I bottle them up, and then let them explode in my face.
-I want to let people know how I feel because I want attention because I don't feel like I get enough. I feel alone in this world.
-People have different ways of expressing themselves, some more healthier than others...Some are hot-tempered and explode on the spot. They get it all out then and there.
-Then you have people who take it out on innocent people just because they were there at the wrong time.
-Then there is me, bottling it up --> wave of emotion of all sorts --->confusion...blah blah blah, you've heard this before. All old shit...nobody cares, I'm just being "a bitch about it", and "complaining"...that I have "sand in my pussy." E t c, e t c.
Life
You are born into a life that is always changing,
So fast sometimes that you can't keep up,
So fast that nobody takes the time to care,
"Everyone has problems, so deal with yours."
A life that expects so much,
Can "you" deal with it?
You say stop...wait up. Let me have a moment of rest.
Relentless...
Next minute you are left behind, you're weak.
You have given up, you are a quitter...
Expect so much, get so little.
The simple things in life...
So great, so plain...so perfect.
Why can't things be easy? Be sane?
Void
What do you call a hole you cannot fill?
How does it feel? To have this hole you cannot sill?
What would you do to fill this hole? Even kill?
How do you feel about this hole you cannot trace?
How about a hole that you cannot place?
A black hole fills your heart will bottled-hate.
When will it bust? When will the pressure break?
"Oh he is a quiet one..." But what they don't know,
Is that your hate is climbing with an amazing rate.
You finally break...you leave hundreds dead in your wake.
Your life is over...your life is through.
It is over, in one single, "Boom!"
Vent
You could...
Scream
Fight
bite
yell
cry
push
shove
pull
love
cut
listen
talk
laugh
stare
sleep
drink
or just fucking die and get it all over with.
"My favorite feeling, is the feeling of hot tears streaming down my face, and the sorrow being washed away."
I want
to love
attention
to not care
to feel alive
to cry
to scream
a hug
to talk
to have a friend
to understand
to express
revenge
simple things
people to chill the fuck out
to be special
to be cuddled
to cuddle someone else
to be worthy to someone else
to smell and feel the hair of my partner
to be left alone
to be cleared
to fill this hole
people to understand
to be free
to have fun
to just live
to not live someone else's life
to joke
to mean something to someone
to know
to have
to flirt
to have the will
peace
to feel
something worth wanting for
to wash away all of the suffering
to be heard.
Freaked out yet? All this stuff...I'm not lying. Didn't think I was this way? Didn't think this is how my life is? Well, you guessed wrong. All of this was hidden, but I didn't want it to be. Didn't think I was this "sensitive"? (Btw, I'm not gay by any means. Just wanted to clear that up, Fuckers.) Now to cry myself to sleep. Night...
I feel like I'm not worth it. I don't care...or I stopped caring when I thought no one cared about me anymore. "Oh I love you", but they didn't show it. I don't, "feel the love." I get my ass chewed off for not standing up against my mom about her being wrong and treating the boys wrong. I'm now a coward, a girl...because I bottle everything up. I'm a dog for not standing up for what I'm supposed to believe in. WOW --- doesn't that just help my self-esteem. I've gone from being a good man when I grow up to being a complete disappointment. All in about 3 seconds.
I don't have fucking motivation for anything anymore. How am I supposed to "be a man" and care about other people...when nobody cares about ME? "I love you." BULLSHIT! You sure as hell don't show it. --- What about me? I don't even know what to say anymore... All I hear, when I'm supposed to be standing up for how I feel is:
STOP
BEING
A
PUSSY!
FUCK. YOU.
ARGG! JUST DIE!
I simply hate you.
Just care about me...
But noooo. I'm wrong, for feeling is way. I shouldn't be so selfish. You just want attention.
***CLICK!***
Duh. It's not like I am getting it anyway. If this is how being a "man" is supposed to feel...Wait. I can't feel that way, you know why?
Because apparently I'm not one.
Being a man, you are supposed to have responsibilities...but to feel that no one cares? That can't be right. I can't live like this... I'm only 16. How I'm supposed to care if no one cares for me? Now that is a "Double Standard."
*Insert the, "You are wrong speech", here. How about the, "You are selfish or pussy speech?"
I want to care, I really do. You have to understand that I do. But I need more than = Negative Support.
"Maybe if you would just change and stop being a..." What? A PUSSY? MAYBE A DISAPPOINTMENT TO EVERYONE? Is that what you were going to say again? Well I'm Fucking sorry.
You want me to end YOUR suffering? Am I just that big of a burden? Sorry that I am a waste of space and that I am an inconvenience to you.
Maybe I am a pussy...a disappointment...everything that you say that I am. Just maybe...
Maybe it's ALL my fault. Maybe if it just wasn't for me.
Maybe if I just hadn't been a fucking """SURPRISE""".
Everything would just be better without that Taylor Lee Travis.
Dad, I love you. You are the only one whoever got the point across that I mean anything to you. And for that alone, I love you. I really and truly mean that(as a tear rolls down my cheek and a smile spreads across my face). Even though you can be an asshole sometimes. :P Jokes. I just want someone to care, a friend to talk to, and not about all of that Macho shit. To be able to cry with and Not be ashamed. Someone to open up to. Someone to listen. Someone that will talk to me.
You know, I was never good at that game, "Life."
Ever see the movie Tom and Huck? Where Tom "dies" and everyone thinks he is dead, and he gets to see his own funeral...Well I want to do that. Put up a sign that reads: "Don't cry if it isn't sincere, and if you are just here for the inheritance...just leave." I would love to see the reaction.
-Side Note- I wish I was one of those people that can read people, and to be able to call out all of there insecurities, fears, and past failures...just to be able to rub it in their face and make them feel like shit. (Catch the sarcasm?)
"Oh God, another poem."
I'm Sorry.
I'm not perfect.
I am who I want to be.
I am no one else, but I've made my mistakes.
I am only human.
I am sorry for being selfish.
I am sorry for not always being there for support.
I am sorry that I never had you to cry with.
I am sorry that I never let anything out.
I am sorry for not understanding.
I am sorry for never saying "I love you" enough...
I am sorry that I never showed you how much I really do care.
I am sorry that I couldn't take away all of the pain.
I am sorry.
Am I a fake? Am I feeling sorry for myself? Do I not stand up for what I believe in? Am I afraid of confrontation? Am I afraid to speak my mind? Am I afraid of failure because it would give another reason for people to Hate me more or to make them think I'm a failure or that it'll make me feel worse about myself? Am I quiet? Am I confused? Do I think I have to be perfect for anyone to love me? Am I perfect? Do I have faults? Why do people not just rid of me? It is soo simple, isn't it? Does anyone think anything positive of me? Do they show it? Am I even worth this pen and paper? Am I sulking because I have the right? or is it that I just feel picked on? Do I think I am rambling or does what I'm writing matter to Anyone? Do people think I'm in any pain? Do they care? Why do people when they actually realize I'm there, rely on me for anything, when they know I'm just going to Fuck things up? Or in some way be disappointed in me? Are they any feelings left for me? Can't I feel without people calling me a "pussy" or telling me to stop being such a "victim?" Am I that easy to read? Do people just think I'm a pussy/dick/asshole/inconsiderate/freak/manipulator/attention hog/girl/etc? Why is it that when I try to get some light of attention, that I get quickly labeled as a disappointment because I'm now being like my sisters, attention hogs? Why? Huh? Answer that fucking question...Can't I get some attention without being called that, or without someone telling me, "I can't believe you would stoop to that level."
ALL I'm hearing is that you only "love" me when I'm not around or being invisible, and not talking.
Once again, I've read what I have written and I want to make things clear. I write what I write to not cause more problems. This book is to explain the way I am and how I feel. Let this book be a reliever and not a corrupter to ruin my relationships with anyone else.
This book might be filled with the impression that one day that I will kill myself...don't worry, I've pondered it already. I will never do it, so you need not worry. I also want to point out that I do not "abuse" my body in anyway...nor anyone else's.
This book tells of the feelings I have when I break. This isn't how I feel 24/7. And when I do feel like this...every emotion is amplified 10x fold.
I have recently told a friend of these emotions and come to find out that he has similar feelings. He is moving to Texas soon, and he wrote me a good-bye letter containing his thoughts of me and some concerns he has had of our friendship. I responded and we found out that we have more in common than we first thought. He is a true friend. And we've decided that we can talk about anything together and I'll tell you one thing...being able to do that has lifted some weight off of my shoulders. I have also taken the first step with another friend in writing him a similar letter. I hope it works out.
*For anyone who has problems, I do suggest talking about them to someone you can trust. It does help, and makes you feel a lot better afterward.
Anyone have a fucked up family?...I'll try to explain to the best of my ability.
My mom and dad had me. They were never married. Mom broke up with him ---> few months later, got together with my first step-dad. He already had 2 older boys(than me). Dad 2.0 and my mom had my two sisters. Fast-forward 6ish years. Divorce ---> 4 years just my mom, 2 sisters, and myself. A lot of boyfriends. Met CB. He has two boys(younger than me). They've been together since 2001, it's June 24th 2007 today. (Greatly simplified)
I try to joke about it with my friends about my messed up family tree. They think it's funny, but it's Really not.
You know how many fights I've been through? Think about that...
You know how many yelling, screaming fights I've seen? How many pushes...My crying near by just being "invisible" as always. Doesn't it just make you feel all Good inside? All nice and toasty...I Fucking love it.
And they tell me to grow up...
STOP FIGHTING! I CAN'T STAND IT!
Up until now (3 months ago), I have been writing in this book with a pretty steady pace. But now...I don't have to. I have found someone I can talk to freely, without being judged. And basically(most, not all) things that I have said from page 1 has been fixed.
I hope this book has shone some light on my life, or how it used to be.
I'd like to leave you with something Epic, but I am a simple person. If the book helped you in anyway, I am glad. :) If not...you have already been fixed, so again, I'm glad. I know it would be a lot more impressive if the book was full...what whatev.
Like I said, something epic...
Happiness is the key to life.
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